Sexual Healing: Wanting What We Have and Getting More of It
If you think reading the latest installment of “Fifty Shades of Grey” is the only way to turn you on enough to have sex with the man you’ve been with for twenty years (or thirty, or forty) . . . read on.
Does my story resonate with you?
My husband and I met in the sweltering summer of 1992 and started rocking and rolling immediately. But from the moment we got married a year later, we were 1) thinking about getting pregnant, 2) in a state of pregnancy, 3) recovering from pregnancy or 4) enjoying (and coping with) the results of pregnancy: babies, toddlers and, now, two teenagers. It wasn’t exactly conducive to swinging from chandeliers.
During those early years, sex was focused more on a result (children), but that’s no longer the case. Like most couples over 50, we are free to have sex pretty much whenever we want. But, do we?
I tried to find some statistics about how many times per week married Americans over 50 made love (with each other), but there were so many different studies saying so many different things, it was hard to suss out the truth. One stated that married couples over 50 had sex once or twice a week, while another claimed it was closer to once or twice a month, but the bottom line on all of it seemed to be that the older we got, the less we got. Not good.
I raised this topic with some girlfriends one night over a bottle of wine, hoping to get insights into their concerns, and (yes, I admit it) how often they had sex (with their partners).
We all had the same question: I love my husband and he loves me, so why aren’t we having as much hot sex as we used to? We want to have sex, but sometimes we just aren’t into it. How do we get in the mood? We all hated thinking that things were slowing down, and that they might slow down even more. For sure, menopause can sometimes make sex uncomfortable, and our libido can drop off. But just because a woman is post-menopausal, does she automatically lose interest? Forever? Was that my future? Was I supposed to lock this door and throw away the key?
I paid a call to Esther Perel, author of “Mating in Captivity,” who flat out told me “sex after 50 could very well be the best sex you’ll ever have.” But, first, she said, we had to address some long-held views about sex after 50 that may not be true.
- Women over 50 are sexually dysfunctional due to menopause. According to Esther’s research, the majority of women over 50 are sexually healthy. Sexual problems that are menopause-related can be addressed with simple solutions like lubricants or estrogen.
- Men think women over 50 are sexually undesirable. Esther has rarely encountered a man who says his low sex drive is related to how his wife looks, or her age. But, he will be turned off if she has stopped being interested in sex. Men want women who want sex.
- If you’re not having spontaneous sex, it must mean your sex life is over. When, Esther asked, was sex ever spontaneous? When you were first together, you had sex on your mind for hours, maybe even days, leading up to the experience. In many cases, you set the date, thought about it, planned the evening — even what to wear. It may have seemed spontaneous, but it wasn’t. Good sex is planned sex.
- If a couple is having less sex, it’s her fault. News flash: If a woman over 50 is having less sex, chances are it’s him, not her. In men, low sex drive is often related to health problems or medications he may be on, many of which are known to create some sexual functioning challenges. Men aren’t used to needing stimulation, and it can be troubling. Sometimes he’ll just avoid it, causing the woman to think he’s no longer attracted to her — which results in a sexual Catch-22.
- If you want to have a better sex life, you need to get closer. On the contrary, Esther says, excess information and over-sharing can put the kibosh on desire, while a little mystery can fuel sexual attraction. Creating an erotic space between you and your partner is essential for good sex. (I share lots of tips on how to do that in The Best of Everything After 50.)
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Then, we explored the three main tools that women can use to get into the mood:
- Arousal - Watch a movie or read a book (okay, bring out “Fifty Shades of Grey”), have a fantasy, put on some sexy lingerie. Many things can arouse us. Arousal can lead to desire, and desire leads to sex. Figure out what gets you going and use it when you need it.
- Desire - Desire means wanting to be turned on. With this entry point, you want to get aroused, and you want to actively engage in getting turned on with your partner.
- Willingness - This is the most important entry point for women over 50. If you’ve been ignoring, neglecting or denying your sexual self for a while, then you must consciously decide that you want sex in order to even let yourself feel desire. We talk ourselves into doing things all the time – going out to an event, cooking dinner – but people don’t think about talking themselves into having sex (and they often confuse it with “pity sex”). This makes complete and total sense to me … and, even better, it works!
So here’s the big reveal: After 50, we’re at a sexual crossroads, and need to make a choice: We could go through menopause, shut down that part of ourselves, lock the door and throw away the key. Or we could embrace this new life with a sense of freedom and fun – no more periods, no more worries about getting pregnant, no more doing it because there has to be a result. You may very well find yourself having the best sex … ever!
And finally, one little bit of advice: Stop looking for studies about how often other people have sex. No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors (no matter what they say to the survey interviewer). And … who cares?
Great article as always Barbara. I am 63 and I still love sex and all that goes with it. I take hormones so that may account for no post menopausal symptoms.
Thanks for reading, Madge . . . and so glad to hear you are rocking AND rolling!
All best,
Barbara
Oh, Barbara: What I wouldn’t give to have a man in my life. I always loved sex, and being without it…excruciating.
Terrific article! We are hovering at the gates of 50, so getting the mindset correct now is essential. I must say that being with the most handsome man in the world who adores me makes desire come easily. We are crazy about each other! Our enticer AND buzz killer? Having to sneak around like when we were younger due to a not-so-empty nest! Hahaha!
LOL, Emily! I know EXACTLY what you mean!!!
All best,
Barbara
Thank you for finally SAYING what I’ve been looking for!!! I’m in menopause now and have been afraid that sex is going to be over. No one has been able to tell me what to expect! I’m glad to know that with a little effort and willingness, desire, and arousal, my husband and I can continue our enjoyable sex life!
Very well said. I love the way you presented this article. Something that is very touchy for a lot of people. Who wants to admit their sex-life sucks? It is nice to read a piece that is tells all with panache. Have a great week Barbara. Yay!
Thank you, Kathy! So glad you enjoyed it!
Barbara
I can’t imagine not wanting sex! I’m single and just ending a relationship, but I know that a strong sexual relationship will be a vital part of any partnership I enter into. At 58, I’m much more interested in sex and full of desire than I was in my 30′s and 40′s.
Thank you for debunking some of those myths. It’s irritating to see so many people writing about the reasons older people aren’t having sex. We are not all having menopausal issues or experiencing a lack of desire.
It’s terribly annoying, isn’t it? And I find it especially irksome when women are made to feel sexually undesirable simply because they are over a certain age. It’s crazy, wrong and not true. And, I agree with your statement that not all of us have issues with menopause. I went through it relatively quickly and unscathed. For those who do experience some of the more dreary results of menopause, there are things to do, buy and use. For sure, women, don’t let age or menopause get in the way of having some fun!
Thanks for reading!
Barbara
Barbara and Marcia,
Menopause hasn’t presented problems for me. I have dryness upon occasion but lube is always around and can be fun to use for either party. I’ve come to look at sex as an opportunity to be playful again. And, I’ve found that flirting is just as fun at 58 as it was when I was younger and not so wise!
After 27 years of a marriage where sex had fallen to less than a few times a month my husband left me for another woman. I got through the pain of it all and started dating. What a revelation! Sex at 59 is so much better than it ever was before. I have a BF who loves me and thinks I’m the best thing ever – that’s all I needed to rekindle a strong sex drive that I didn’t even realize I had. So thanks to the ex for going and letting me find out how great life and love can really be!
Great article…my husband and I are in our 50′s. Our sex life has always been amazing. Recently we both started HRT (Hormone Replacement Therepy) to put our Testosterone etc back to where it was in our 20′s. WOW! I agree…sex is better now then ever! More opportunity with the kids grown…so we have fun nearly every day at least once! I am a lucky woman.
Thanks, very good points in this article – I will read more @ The Best of Everything after Fifty.
My husband is 15 years older than I (I’m 62) but I know he has not lost interest entirely. My reasons for infrequent sex are the same as those stated in this article. I’m so fortunate, though, I am still VERY attracted to my husband and love him dearly. The guy is even-tempered, greets me with a ready smile and a cup of tea each morning. He’s slim and trim (I should look so good) and has a good personality and great dry wit. Think I’ll go wake him up right now……