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by Colby Brin

As Director of Date My Single Kid, I like to say that you may know what you want, but your mother knows what you need.  Of course, I would never say it in front of my own mother because she’d be way too satisfied.

But I definitely don’t mind saying it to certain celebrities – in this trying time, with so many of them needlessly and quite publicly suffering through one humiliating heartache after another.

Check out the following hopeless, er, romantics who could use a profile on DMSK to find a love connection.

Charlie Sheen

The star of Platoon and Two and a Half Men is now separated from his third wife, and none of his marriages have lasted longer than four years. His addiction to drugs and hookers are still strong. It’s shocking, but there’s a glimmer of hope here.   Everyone knows Charlie’s father is the acclaimed actor Martin Sheen. But few know he’s been quietly married to Charlie’s mother, artist Janet Templeton, for over 48 years. Maintaining the third longest running Hollywood marriage counts for a lot in my eyes. No doubt Charlie could use a little relationship tutelage from his grounded mother.  Maybe she can help Charlie find a woman who loves him for Charlie, and not the Benjamins.  It’s worth a shot.

Tiger Woods


I’m not here to pile on the world’s most famous golfer for what has happened in the past. What would be the point; there are no mulligans in life. I’m just suggesting that Tiger try a different course for meeting women – perhaps one his mother suggests.  A private person, other than the fact that she was once married to Tiger’s late father Earl, we don’t know much of anything about Kultida’s personal life.  But that is exactly the point.

Elin Nordegren


Speaking of Tiger, something tells me it’s not going to be so easy for his ex-wife to meet men for a while, let alone trust one after meeting him.  Fortunately, her mom, Barbro Holberg, is clearly a shrewd lady; a seasoned politician, she’s currently Governor of Gävleborg County in Sweden. With her people savvy and prestigious connections, Holberg sounds like the perfect person to help broker a new romance for her daughter.

Jessica Simpson

When I suggested that Daisy Duke could use some romantic help from her mom Tina – who tweeted on August 19th, “Enjoying 32 yrs of being married to my best friend… I love you baby!” about husband Joe – my friend Laura said, “No, she’s in a great relationship right now.”
“With whom?” I said.
“Some tight end.”

Case closed.  Turns out, he’s a former NFL star, but wasn’t the singer’s last high-profile boyfriend Dallas Cowboys signal-caller Tony Romo?

Lemme tell you something – if you’ve dated two professional football players, that’s two too many.  If you don’t want to be cheated on like a Tim Geithner tax return, don’t date a professional athlete.  Everyone’s knows that.  Joe’s done a good job of managing his daughter’s career; maybe her mother can help with her love life.  Also, we’d like to avoid seeing her with a third athlete, namely…

Alex Rodriguez


After divorcing the mother of his two daughters in 2008, the Yankees third baseman has been linked to Madonna, Kate Hudson, and Cameron Diaz.  Here’s hoping A-Rod’s mom Lourdes, who worked two jobs to raise him as a teenager, can block the plate before he slides home to his next typecast lady friend, who will last maybe an inning.

Kim Kardashian

Kim suffers from the same hyper footballitis as Jessica Simpson.  The well-endowed reality star has dated NFL stars Reggie Bush of the New Orleans Saints and Miles Austin of the Dallas Cowboys. But since her divorce from music producer Damon Thomas, she hasn’t brought a relationship over the goal line. Here’s thinking her mom, reality impresaria Kris Jenner, would be a good play caller. Mama’s been married to former Olympian Bruce Jenner for nineteen years, and before those nuptials, she and Bruce worked out a very amicable arrangement with her late ex-husband, celebrity lawyer Robert Kardashian, over how their children would be raised. Clearly Kris knows something about picking reliable men – even if she does have a strictly celeb-lover rule.

Bristol Palin

Say what you want about Sarah Palin’s politics, but the Grizzly Mama has maintained a 22-year, five-kid marriage.  You need to say only two words about her Dancing with the Stars daughter: Levi Johnston.

Paris Hilton


Look, I just want her to be happy. It’s clear she wants to nest. She’s a classic serial monogamist; she’s always with someone, be he a Greek shipping heir, a model, a pop star, a reality TV star, or a nightclub impresario.  But what do these gentleman callers have in common?  Their “professions” indicate they’re not the settling down types! Her heart is in the right place, but her eyes deceive her.  Mom Kathy, who’s been married to dad Richard for over 30 years, surely knows how to spot a reliable, breadwinning family man.

Snooki


Nicole Polizzi has said many times that all she wants in a man is for him to be large, tan, muscle-bound and on steroids, or as she charmingly refers to such a fellow, a “Gorilla Juicehead.” My concern is that Snooki will fall for a silverback gorilla in her tanning mist, and as any primatologist will tell you, this dominant troop leader may be a good provider, but he’s also kind of a player.  Perhaps Snooki’s mom Helena can steer her to a younger, needier blackback.

Sandra Bullock


Sadly, the reigning Best Actress’s mother passed away in 2000.  But someone should be helping her out, because left to her own devices, she just spent five years married to a royal douchebag. Betty White should step up to the plate and monitor her next love affair.

Heidi Montag


You know how I know that Heidi’s mom Darlene Egelhoff would be better at picking someone for her daughter than Heidi is? Because she famously loathes Heidi’s mental patient husband Spencer Pratt. Ordinarily I would say mothers shouldn’t meddle in their kids’ love lives, but Heidi and Spencer are frightening together. In this case, meddling is loving.

Nadya Suleman


Even the Octomom is somebody’s daughter.  In this case, that somebody is Angela Doud.  Don’t misunderstand me; I don’t think the burden for finding those fourteen kids a step-dad should fall on a 69-year-old retired high school teacher’s tired shoulders.  Still, this is one of those all-hands-on-deck situations. I fully support single parents, as long as they’re working with a 13:1 ratio or lower.

This article originally appeared on bettyconfidential.com.


  

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  1. Kim Bauer says:

    Hi Geri,

    I am sitting out here in California freezing my booty off in our 55 degree weather. I only mention this because my hands are so cold I can hardly type.

    Bet you feel sorry for me….
    Anyway. This was a fun one. I do constantly find myself thinking “where did the parents go wrong” when I watch a lot of these celebs.

    Then again, some of the parents are more messed up than the kids.

    Kim