Answer below to win a free one-on-one financial consultation with FOF advisor Judith McGee!

Just because you’re “partners” doesn’t mean everything is always even-steven when money is involved. Financial advisor Judith McGee tells us how to bring emotional parity to our relationships.

“We all have financial difficulty in relationships, but there are healthy ways to set boundaries with our families, spouses and children, and I'm going to tell you some of the tricks of the trade and some of the phraseology women can use so that they won’t feel guilty when they have to set those boundaries.

“One in four professional women today makes more than her husband. So it's becoming more the norm. In fact, all the women in my firm, and it's an all-woman firm, earn more than our husbands.

“If you’re the higher earner, and you want a solid marriage and a good family life, you must learn how to properly handle your earnings and income. A man looks at earnings and money as power. Knowledge about money also is power.

“The important issue is how you define your contributions and roles in the marriage, the relationship, the business partnership or the family. It can't be all or nothing. So often we feel resentful, or we jockey for power and control. There are little emotional ways that the other person in your life will get back at you if you mishandle that relationship. I see it over and over again.”

• FOF: Who usually has the power and control?
  • JM: The highest earner usually assumes the control. He or she is generally the one controlling the checkbook.
  • What I'm talking about is that in any relationship, from partnership in business to marriage, you need to identify who is contributing what. This doesn’t only mean financial contributions since it's impossible for a person who is making $30,000 a year to feel equal to somebody making $300,000 a year. How do you bring emotional parity to that partnership, particularly if a woman earns the most?
• FOF: Advice?
  • JM: Each partner must have territorial responsibility for a marriage to be successful. If you emasculate a man in your life, tell him you make the money and you call the shots, it's a bit uncomfortable, isn't it?
  • You have to respect your partner, understand what he’s bringing to you and value him. You might decide together that your husband will do the shopping and help support the daily household functions. Or, he may be more social and his role is to keep connection with family. Or he may be the accountant, the bill payer and help keep structure in the family in a different way.
• FOF: And if the man makes more money and a woman has abdicated control to her husband?
  • JM: The same principles apply. Unless a woman feels that she has a partnership and is respected, she's unhappy.
  • Couples should work through a financial planning process with their advisor. They should think of themselves as a team. They' should talk about their budget, their assets, their dreams and goals together. They should also discuss what if scenarios.
  • Sometimes a woman will feel uncomfortable talking directly to her husband about these issues, but a good advisor will have the insight and the sensitivity to know how to dialogue in that meeting and help the couple communicate. A good advisor will be sensitive to each of their styles and their level of financial knowledge.
• FOF: Should the woman ask her husband to be part of the meeting?
  •  JM: Oh yes, yes. It's both people.
• FOF: What if they’ve have had a long-term financial advisor who the wife has never met?
  • JM: That advisor may have the skills to do this. If not, the couple can hire an outside financial planner and still keep their advisor and get a second opinion.
• FOF: What should they cover?
  •  JM: They need to go through subjects including property ownership (whose name in on what), cost of living, beneficiaries, legal documents that haven't been addressed or that they don’t understand. It gives everyone a framework for knowing exactly where everything stands and what they can expect of their money over time.
  • When a woman has been taken care of and the husband has control, she usually doesn't have enough knowledge of the big picture. She often doesn’t know what it really costs to live or whether she’s spending too much. The husband thinks he’s providing for her by taking care of everything and not bothering her, but it really is in her best interest to have more knowledge.
• FOF: Even if she's working?
  • JM: Yes, because you don't see the whole picture unless it's all put together on paper. You don't see the impact of inflation and taxes. There also might be liabilities or contingencies you don't understand or they may need to be reworked.
•  FOF: What type of woman generally abdicates financial control?
  • JM: When a woman who has been passive about money gets a divorce or becomes a widow, she often looks for someone else to help her make decisions going forward. They can easily be manipulated about money and that can be dangerous for them.
  • Three out of four times you'll see a woman become involved with a man who has a wonderful, charming, attentive personality but not a hell of a lot of money. He moves in with her and manipulates her into supporting him or supporting his new business endeavor. And you'll see her money go really fast. The man will also fire the woman’s advisor and find someone new so he has more control.
•  FOF: Isn’t this more common with younger women?
  •  JM: No, God no. I would say 50-year-old women are really prone to this. They want to be secure, they want to be loved, their kids have left home or are about to leave and they want to have a companion.
  • Love and money get all intertwined. A woman can pay a high price for that.
• FOF: Your advice?
  • JM: It's really, really hard. I would caution to keep your money separate in the early part of a relationship. If you have someone move in with you, write up a cohabitation agreement.
• FOF: What is that?
  •  JM: It’s like a rental agreement that says you’re moving in together, but it's not a palimony agreement. It’s an arrangement that says you’re house sharing but no one has claims on the other’s assets.
• FOF: Are women their own worst enemies, even successful women?
  • JM: Yes, because one of the greatest fears women have is growing old, being alone and being broke. Being alone is a big part of it. And it really depends on the personality and the emotional security of the person themselves. A lot of women are needy, especially if they've come out of a situation of emotional abuse or even loss. Widows certainly are vulnerable. They're fragile so they're looking for someone to take care of them and just be there for them.
  • Even a girlfriend, a family member or a child could take advantage.
• FOF: A child?
  • JM: Let's say dad dies, mom's got money, mom is feeling vulnerable, she turns to her sons or some other family member to help her make financial decisions, or maybe her daughter decides that she's going to take care of mom and she's going to sign checks. Sooner or later, the checkbook gets changed to joint tenancy. It happens all too often, I can tell you. Then the will is negated because the titles were changed on her accounts.
  • Even family members can be prosecuted for taking advantage of seniors in Oregon. Anyone who is over 60--in some cases, 50 and younger, if they're disabled—is considered a senior. Bankers are trained to recognize financial abuse of seniors. Is there someone who is too helpful or who assumes absolute control?
• FOF: Does this also happen to a woman who has worked and was independent?
  • JM: It’s less likely to happen to a woman who has more resources or experience handling her own affairs and making her own decisions. But even they are vulnerable to feelings of loneliness or concerns over their health.
• FOF: How can we avoid feeling vulnerable?
  • JM: Learn from others experiences as well as on her own. I would encourage women to tell stories about their experiences and circumstances.You might ask the question on FOF: Has a family member misused money in some way, such as changing title on your bank account? Family members also borrow money and don't pay it back.
• FOF: Please explain that.
  • JM: Let’s say your kid tells you he’s going to lose his house and you loan him $500,000 to keep him out of trouble. Then the money never comes back.
• FOF: What’s the advice for a situation like that, except not to do it?
  • JM: If you want to help someone, say a child or grandchild, and you can afford it, buy a certificate of deposit from the bank and secure a loan for the person who wants to borrow.
  • Let’s say your son wants to start a business and he needs $70,000. The bank where he has an account will loan 100 percent of that CD. You sign an assignment and your child pays back the bank. When the loan is totally paid off, you get back your money, as well as the interest you would have received from the CD in the first place. That puts a fiduciary, a bank, between you and the child. They'll pay the bank, they won't pay mom.
  • Since you’re securing the loan, your son doesn’t have to have good credit standing.
  • If your son defaults and he doesn't pay the bank, it will take your CD because you’ve collateralized the loan.
• FOF: What advice do you have for a business partnership?
  • JM: You should have really strong ideas about who you're in business with and who has check signing power. You need to have checks and balances in your accounting system and you must conduct independent reviews, too. Use an advisor other than the one the company uses.
  • Trust and confidence, communication and accounting processes are highly important in a business relationship. If a partner isn't financially solid, he can create a problem for your financial life forever. Trust but verify.
  • It's also a good idea to check your credit report occasionally.
  • There's something else I want to tell you before we get off the line. There is a little trick that I use called The Painless Budget. But the gist of it is that when you're managing money in relationships, particularly in marriage, everybody argues about the discretionary stuff, what I call the 'put and take' money, the Nordstrom's account or the golfing or whatever it might be. What we do is we create separate put and take accounts or spending accounts for partners that are not questioned by the other partner. If we're still earning money it's about 10 percent of take home per person per account.
• FOF: And anybody can do whatever she wants with it?
  • JM: Yes, because men and women don’t feel the same about money, they don’t have the same goals and objectives and I do not want my husband asking me how much it costs to get my nails done or what I spend at Nordstrom's. I'm going to handle that on my own.
  • This account is for the discretionary spending, the fun stuff, the personal stuff, the hobbies, things that are other than serious money for retirement or living expenses.

Judith McGee is a Financial Advisor located at 12455 SW 68th Ave., Portland, OR. Securities offered through Raymond James Financial Services Inc., member FINRA/SIPC. Any opinions are those of Judith McGee and not necessarily those of RJFS or Raymond James. Any information is not a complete summary or statement of all available data necessary for making an investment decision and does not constitute a recommendation.

Raymond James' financial advisors may only conduct business with residents of the states and/or jurisdictions for which they are properly registered. Therefore, a response to a request for information may be delayed. Please note that not all of the investments and services are available in every state. Investors outside of the United States are subject to securities and tax regulations within their applicable jurisdictions that are not addressed on this site. Contact your local Raymond James office for information and availability.

Who has the financial power and control in your relationship?  Comment below to win a free consultation with Judith McGee.