“If you met a real-life Christian Grey (Fifty Shades of Grey) and started dating, would it send you to the post office wanting to return this package?” asks FOF Susan Hersh. Susan recently met and dated a man with Grey-like tendencies. Here, she shares her story and what she hopes other newly-single FOFs can learn from her experience.
Editor’s note: The essay below, by FOF Susan Hersh is part of a series of personal blogs from our readers. Have your own story to tell? Email your idea to alex@faboverfifty.com.
In 2012, I met a real-life version of Mr. Grey. Although this was not apparent during our three-month romance, after it abruptly ended, it became uncannily clear.
The terms of my relationship with this man, a publishing company executive (we’ll call him “Mr. Brooks Brothers” for the purpose of this story) paralleled the contract that Anastasia never signed.
Christian had gorgeous dresses and gowns for Ana furnished by Neiman Marcus. Mr. Brooks Brothers requested that I wear skirts and dresses. If you are being taken to mediocre, local restaurants, there is no reason to get that dressed up. My personal style is pants and my long legs wear them well. Unlike the fictitious Christian Grey, he was not offering to furnish a wardrobe…only the thigh-high hosiery.
Christian always wanted to control how Ana wore her hair and which beauty salon she attended. While dating Mr. Brooks Brothers, I had my hair cut, one of the best cuts in four years…but he didn’t think it was necessary. I was not seeking permission or approval.
Christian dedicated Friday evening through Sunday afternoon or any other days agreed upon, based on his contract with Anastasia. My allotted time slot with Mr. Brooks Brothers was Saturday evening through Sunday afternoon. If we needed to change the schedule, he felt he was making a major “compromise.”
One evening, I was driving my car to a nearby town for dinner. Mr. Brooks Brothers told me he was not comfortable with me in the driver’s seat. This seemed so outlandish to me so I made a joke telling him he could drive my car anytime and I would sit on his lap.
In the end, Mr. Brooks Brothers broke up with me because I rejected his request to use sex toys in the bedroom, and his ego was stronger than his heart. He was controlling in the bedroom, insisting on the missionary or dominant positions. He found it difficult to acquiesce and share the power. I’ve learned that a marriage license or relationship does not guarantee that you both have the same propensity for sex or tolerance for experimentation. Next time, I’ll make sure that my partner and I are both in agreement about whether or not to use sex toys, and that the mood is romantic with enough time for exploratory use.
Recently, I started to think about how many FOFs are finding themselves navigating through the sea of sex and dating after a recent divorce or becoming a widower. This can be a hard process.
Here’s what my experience taught me: No matter what, always be yourself. When meeting someone new, there is always an adjustment period and some compromise, but selling your soul and conforming to ideas that do not resonate will lead to unhappiness both in and outside of the bedroom. Tell your partner what you want or don’t want up front. Do not cheat yourself. Claim what is important to you and proclaim what is not negotiable. If the relationship ceases, remember this line from the song “Closing Time” by Semisonic: “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”
0 Responses to “{My Story} “I Met And Dated A Real-Life Christian Grey””
TKO says:
I remember the biggest fear I had about getting married was, what if the sex does not last? Yes, that was my biggest fear. Because I like sex. Well, low and behold, after two kids, being sued over an inheritance, job loss, reappearance of a long lost parent, being slammed with every kind of stress including working 6 nights a week on the graveyard shift, the sex went out the window completely. Husband got hurt on the job. I heard every excuse a man could dream up for not having sex. I slept on the edge of the bed for a very long time. The only sex we had was whatever I could dream up. And he would take like a leach. And give absolutely nothing. Well, people, you get what you give. I gave up completely. Absolutely no desire for somebody who has no desire to be intimate. That’s what porn is for.
Ruth says:
I’ve been through something quite like this. He is an international businessman who travels the world. He sent me an ecard and we met for a brief dinner because he had to get home to call China. It was months before we had another dinner; he was always off somewhere… Another dinner took us back to his home and before I could sip the water he handed me, we were eagerly going at it. I do not usually respond this way at my advanced age (mid sixties), but it was wonderful and reminded me of another much earlier relationship that was intensely physical as well as emotional but which ended 3 days before his wife-to-be moved in.
To make a long story short, this went on for some time, always the same. There were one night interludes complete with massages for him, sex, and usually dinner. It became increasingly clear to me that I was being used for my value as a sexual partner for him. He has told me little about himself and I doubt he ever will.
I’ve not heard from him in a while and although I miss the glorious sex, there is nothing else from him that shows I am more than just a convenient screw. I don’t need this and don’t plan on being available any more. It only took me way too long to realize the stupidity of these type of situations
Judy says:
Women (those unfortunate enough not to have good relationship(s) early on) generally get “used” in their teens, 20’s, 30’s etc. In my late 40’s I negotiated my own terms after my divorce – and the second guy (I married) fully understood. I laid it on the line – “don’t waste my time, use me and then dump me unless you are really interested in a quality relationship together, the good, the bad and the ugly”. I saw no need wasting time testing out the waters and wondering what HE would do next – like me, love me, leave me ??? Tell me now, I have no time to waste !
Teresa says:
I am 54 and my husband is 57. We have a great sex life! The old adage that life starts at 40 – well it does and it just keeps getting better! My husband and I it seems are an exception to the rule. Most people our age seem to loose interest in sex and in each other, therefore fall into the doldrums. Exploring new avenues helps keep the relationship healthy as long as both people a willing and able to participate. If ever I find myself widowed or divorced, I hope that I would find find someone who shares my love for life and sex!
Melanie says:
Great advice! At the age of 50 and over, it’s all about being you. Anything else is not respectful to the “you” that you’ve become.
TYLER says:
THIS ISN’T TYLER…IT’S HIS MOTHER, AND AS FAR AS I AM CONCERNED, EVERYONE SEEMS LIKE HAVING A SEX LIFE AT 50 IS HARD TO BELIEVE…..??? WHAT??? I AM 45 AND COULD NOT EVEN IMAGINE NOT HAVING A SEX LIFE IN 5 YEARS…PEOPLE, WE ARE NOT OLD OR EVEN NEAR OLD….WE AS WOMEN THINK,”OH MY, SHE IS HAVING SEX AT 50?”….YES!!! WE ARE!!! HOPE TO BE WHEN I AM WELL INTO MY 60’S OF OLDER….
Norma Byrd says:
Like the line from a VERY old, long ago movie, Susan “ain’t lost nothing she ain’t never had”. I’m so glad she didn’t waste any more time or emotion on this jerk. When I was doing the internet dating scene (fifteen years ago) I met some really nice men, and some total losers. I got pretty good at differentiating them pretty quickly.
Tamra says:
I dated someone like this years ago but found myself bored by all the drama, and myself faking interest just to please him. All that production just wasn’t my cup of tea. 😉
CME says:
My husband when I married him was kind, romantic, and loving except when it came to intimacy. He finally told me if I wanted more sex I would have to dominate him to do it. I tried for awhile, but it loses it’s appeal when you have to “force” someone to do something other men would “willingly” do. When I finally got tired of being told I didn’t do it “Right” and stopped the dominate attitude, sex stopped also. It’s been over 3 years since I have had sex with my husband. We have only been married a little over 6 years. Frankly, now, if he wanted to have sex, I don’t think I would bother.