Friends In Need Are Friends Indeed

LEAVE A COMMENT 2016 February 10

“When you first meet her, you think, ‘how could anyone be so sweet,’  but when you get to know her, you discover she really is that sweet,” said one of Susan Kaden’s many friends, who gathered at a New York City restaurant recently to celebrate her 50th birthday. “She is one of the most special people I’ve ever met.”

Susan had two solid reasons not to be sweet during the last couple of years: Her mother died of pancreatic cancer, three weeks after sharing her diagnosis, and her husband died of brain cancer last April, 19 months after he was diagnosed. But those unfortunate experiences didn’t prevent Susan from living with the graciousness, generosity and compassion that have always defined her, her friends told me. She was an exemplary caregiver to both her mom and to her husband of 26 years, celebrating the life they enjoyed together while they still could.
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How To Play ‘Spin The Bottle’ After 50

LEAVE A COMMENT 2016 February 4

I was asked to participate in the #KYconfessionals campaign, sponsored by K-Y Brand and Walgreens. Although I have been compensated, all opinions are my own.

Invoking the name of my former lover, Edgar (1988-2000), comes in handy when I’m about to write a blog about sex, because my sexual experiences with him were o-u-t-of-t-h-i-s-w-o-r-l-d!

Sex on the magnificent beach in Longboat Key, Florida. Sex on the plush carpet of his opulent executive office in Connecticut. Sex in his high-end Lincoln Town Car (before it became a car service car). Sex in the oversized jacuzzi tub. We not only had sex all over the place; no place on each of our bodies was off limits!

Well, that was then and this is now. I’m almost 16 years older and intimacy and sex have become routine, as in ordinary.

So, I have two choices: 1) Accept ordinary or 2) Figure out a way to turn ordinary into extraordinary. Interestingly, more and more companies are creating products and devices to help me make the second option possible, a response to a sexual revolution in America today. (more…)

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When Three Tragedies Strike (In One Year)

LEAVE A COMMENT 2016 January 25

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Catherine and her old friend Bonnie

bonniegeller“My husband, Jerry, met Bonnie’s husband, Larry, on the train platform about 25 years ago, soon after we moved to North Salem, NY. Our children were all little and we all became fast friends. Bonnie had been in the publishing business, then became a nutritionist, and worked with high-profile clients. She was stunning and glamorous and the picture of health. We were so close that we named Bonnie and Larry guardians for our children if something were to happen to us. (more…)

Honestly, Can You Really Do THIS The Way You Should?

LEAVE A COMMENT 2016 January 2

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Before the new year begins, I thought it would be apropos to talk about a subject that most of us don’t usually think about, but should!

SCENARIO #1:

Your husband had a heart attack a few months ago and has started to drive you crazy about absolutely everything: What you serve him to eat, how you drive the car, how loud you play your favorite CD. You’re ready to explode, but do you ever stop to think how HE FEELS?  How scared he may be since his heart attack? (more…)

How Fiera Is Improving My Post-50 Sex Life

LEAVE A COMMENT 2015 November 5

I’m discovering that women, 50+, pretty much fall into two groups: Those who don’t dare talk about their weight, age, sex life, and whether they’ve had fillers or plastic surgery on their faces.  And those who do!

I’m pretty certain that the women in the first group believe others will think less of them if they reveal they’re 58, let’s say; weigh in at 161.4 pounds; lost much of their libido, and had liposuction on their jowls. Of course, I respect how they feel, even if my attitude is wildly different. Let me be perfectly clear: I’m not thrilled about my age (68); my weight (I don’t weigh myself, but I’ve revealed my belly online so you know I’m not 127 pounds); my decreased sex drive, or my sagging skin. And even if I can’t do a darn thing about my age, I do try my darndest to mitigate the effects of aging. If you read my blog, you know my story: Diet, exercise, top-notch skin care, hairpiece, and yes, jowl reduction.  

Sex is one area where I hadn’t exerted much effort. After I stopped taking estrogen, about seven years ago, my libido started declining. Although I wasn’t mourning the loss of sex drive, I wouldn’t have minded getting it back. I was consumed with creating FabOverFifty, however, beginning around the same time I stopped taking estrogen. So my libido took a back seat. (more…)

When Did You Have The Greatest Sex Of Your Life?

LEAVE A COMMENT 2015 August 18

I’ve been learning some interesting facts about the sexual habits of women over 50 from the polls we started taking on FabOverFifty during the last couple of months. One of the numbers that jumps out is that 40 percent of us have sex with a partner fewer than four times a year.

Although the poll didn’t ask whether women care about their limited sexual experiences with partners, I would venture to guess that they don’t care much. As one 60+ woman told me a few years ago, “If my husband died, I wouldn’t mind if I never had sex again.”
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The Start Of A New Life

LEAVE A COMMENT 2015 July 11

When I met Laura, about a decade ago, I’d never known anyone who had served time in jail. Laura had spent a great deal of time in prison–16 years, to be exact–and I was interviewing her for a magazine I recently launched, about how she was adjusting to the “outside world.”  I’d invited her to dinner at my apartment for the interview, and instantly liked her.  A tall, handsome woman, with a cropped hairstyle, Laura was articulate, with a no-nonsense attitude.  

Thus began the most unusual friendship of my life, with a woman who appeared to be as different from me as I am from Amal Clooney (I grabbed that name out of the air!) But appearances, as we all know, can be deceiving.  And, after knowing Laura for 10 years, I realized she and I share an important trait: Drive. Laura has not let anything stop her from creating a decent life for herself, despite obstacles that would have made others cower.
Laura was not shy about asking for help, and I was fortunate to be able to help her, emotionally and financially. I bought her clothes; helped her get a rent-subsidized apartment; advised her on finding employment.  While many of my family and friends cautioned me about being ”too generous,”  I knew Laura wanted to make sense of her life, and I didn’t intend to walk away.
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You Begin To Feel As If You Are Alice

LEAVE A COMMENT 2015 January 13

When you see Julianne Moore in a typically witless L’Oreal commercial, it’s easy to forget she’s a marvelous actor, not just a beautiful redhead idiotically gushing about the latest magical skin cream you
can pick up in your corner drugstore.

Watch Ms. Moore for one minute in her new movie, Still Alice, and you actually forget she’s a brilliant actor, not really the 50-something victim of early-onset Alzheimer’s disease. From the moment Alice Howland, a renowned linguistics professor at Columbia University, starts to forget words, you feel as if you are her, as her frustration progresses to fear and then to anguish. As she struggles to stay connected to her job, and to her husband (Alec Baldwin) and three grown children, you ask yourself if you’d be as resolute to take control over your hideous illness; as practical to assess its forward march through your brain, and as gracious to everyone around you.

When I read the 2007 book, by Lisa Genova, upon which the movie is based, it made an impression that has remained with me ever since. I can still see the words describing Alice as she takes her routine jog through Cambridge (she’s a Harvard professor in the novel), and stopping suddenly because she can’t remember where to turn next. The movie isn’t quite as powerful as the book (which spent over 40 weeks on the New York Times bestseller list, and garnered numerous prestigious awards), at least to me, but it’s a masterpiece nonetheless. Although I didn’t see all the movies starring women who received Best Actress nominations, it’s unlikely anyone’s performance rivaled Ms. Moore’s.

“Julianne could not only project the scintillating intelligence and complexity of a linguistics professor but also the vulnerability and simplicity of the later stages,” wrote director Wash Westmoreland in a press release.

“She’d be able to master every beat of the character’s deterioration. She is quite simply one of the finest actors on the planet.”

Preparing for the role, 53-year-old Ms. Moore met Alzheimer’s patients who are close in age to the 50-year-old portrayed in the film. “[Writer Lisa Genova] made the character 50, and not 80, because that way you’re able to talk about Alzheimer’s as an actual disease, not a condition of aging,” Julianne told Closer magazine in an interview. Praising those who were generous to share their stories with her, the actor said it was “devastating” to meet these victims. She remains friends with Sandy, a patient she met who was diagnosed at 45 and “had a hell of a time coping with the disease,” Julianne said. “One of the reasons I connected with her is that she has red hair—we look very similar.”

Accepting the Golden Globe Award, earlier this week, for best actress in a drama, Ms. Moore recalled author Lisa Genova telling her, “No one wants to see a movie about a middle-aged woman.” She praised Sony Pictures Classics for deciding to “celebrate who we are, what we value and who we love.”

Still Alice opens this week across the country. Even if you only see happy movies, make an exception. Still Alice is a far cry from Meet The Fockers, and although it won’t tickle your funny bone, it will touch your heart.

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“She’s Not Good Enough For My Sonny Boy!”

LEAVE A COMMENT 2015 January 5

How would you like a mother-in-law who didn’t think you were “good enough” for her sonny boy? Not so much, of course.

Well, mothers-in-law like this lurk in dark corners all over the world, and, as far as I’m concerned, they’re a repulsive lot. I recently heard about one woman I know, who commented to her best friend about her son’s fiancé: “He could do better.”

Mind you, the girlfriend is reportedly a lovely, educated woman, but she apparently doesn’t cut the mustard in the eyes of her future m-i-l, a woman who has always come across to me as unfriendly, impertinent, and hoity-toity. Apparently, she’s not pleasant to the young woman, either. If she was going to be my m-i-l, I’d be distressed, big time. Unless, of course, my future husband assured me that he knew his mother was trouble, with a capital T.

Let’s say your ridiculously handsome son graduated from Harvard, got his law degree from Yale and earns $2.7 million a year at the most prestigious law firm in the country. Do you think all this makes him “better” than an average-looking woman who graduated, let’s say, from a state university, is finishing her masters at a state university, and is a public school teacher who will unlikely earn big bucks? Of course it doesn’t. But some people base their opinions of others on the schools they attended, the money they earn, the clothes they wear and the look of their faces.

All too often, families that consider themselves “blue bloods” aren’t terribly interested in welcoming anyone into their inner circles with blood of a different color, never mind skin.

What if the son I described above had a terrible accident which impaired him and rendered him unable to work? Would a judgmental m-i-l still consider her daughter-in-law unworthy of her son’s love, as she watched her tirelessly care for her offspring?

I’ve heard mothers over the years describe their daughters-in-law as “too demanding, too lazy, too selfish, too money hungry,” even “too hefty.” Of course, their sons all embodied perfection! I remember my usually mild-mannered, soft-spoken paternal grandmother repeatedly moaning how my uncle was “too good” for his wife, who the family dubbed “crazy.” I loved my uncle, but I assure you he was hardly “too good” for her.

Our sons are free to marry anyone they choose, and unless the women they choose are abusive, who are we to judge their worthiness? And what about those of us who have daughters? What do their mothers-in-laws say about them?

How To Rewire Your Mind

LEAVE A COMMENT 2014 October 7

How many times have we heard or read this advice from someone who is ill:

“Stop and smell the roses,” tell our loved ones how much we care, appreciate every single day, no matter how much it tests your mental endurance? No doubt, we’ve all heard it many times. Yet, how many of us really take the advice to heart, beyond maybe a few hours, a day or even a week? We fall right back into our routines, often getting frustrated, disheartened, depressed, or even downright mad at someone or something. Here are a few scenarios to which we can all relate:

  • Our Time-Warner cable goes out at least once a week, and we are forced to do without the Internet for long periods. We call the customer service number, have to hold on and listen to irritating music for 33 minutes and then get someone who is absolutely useless to help us or explain the problem.
  • We take a few minutes from our hectic day to call a friend just to say “hi” and she moans, “Sorry, but I’m just too busy to talk right now!”
  • We read an article on the Internet about a really dumb subject, like whether Beyoncé and Jay-Z are divorcing, and we write an insulting comment about them.
  • We can’t wait to get back from a vacation or business trip. We get to the airport and the plane is delayed for hours.

Most often, we have absolutely no control to change the situations or people that
are driving us wild.

Still, we can continue to let them raise our blood pressure, elicit our ill will and anger and divert our positive energy from doing something productive—not to mention cause us to waste massive amounts of time—or we can figure out how and where to seek another path.

But how, you ask? You swear you don’t want to think all these unpleasant, jealous, maddening thoughts, but you can’t seem to turn them off. A online community called rewireme.com says you can, and aims to do precisely what its name says: Help us to disconnect the ‘faulty wires’ in our brains that short-circuit to obstruct, inhibit and hinder us, and to connect the wires that can turn on our power to happily move ahead in our lives.

Launched in 2013 by Rose Caiola, a New York City real estate businesswoman, the rewireme.com mission statement says it wants to help us “learn, grow, and transform into our best selves by understanding emotions; making conscious decisions to acknowledge and experience rather than bury our feelings; expressing what we feel and communicating our understanding with one another; sharing our stories and receiving wisdom from one another.”

When we listen to what other people are going through, we can empathize and often see in them what we usually have a hard time seeing in ourselves,
the website says.

“The more we share, the deeper we’ll be able to go—to embrace growth. As we push the boundaries of our comfort zones and challenge ourselves, we’ll find ways to move from like to love, from status quo to passion. It’s exhilarating to conquer our fear of change together.”

I confess that I’m not typically inclined to be a fan of any single person who ‘preaches’ to the masses how he or she will help us to “be healthier, happier, wiser, more balanced” etc., if we will just listen to their expert advice, on anything from aging to eating; intimacy to motherhood. Yet, what I like about rewire.me is how it makes its community part of the whole learning process. Visitors are encouraged to share their stories of “discovery and change”; advice on the site often is based on scientific fact, such as the 11-minute, clever and entertaining video that explores the causes and cures for stress; and engaging activities promise to give us enjoyment while we learn.

So please take a few minutes to tool around rewireme.com and next time the cable company puts you on hold, your plane is endlessly delayed, or the Internet goes down, you’ll let it roll right off your back and move on.