Multiple Sex Partners in Marriage? The Case for Sleeping Around

In Sex at Dawn, two psychologists (who happen to be married) argue that monogamy just doesn’t work.

Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, adultery is rampant, and many married couples struggle to keep the passion alive. Is monogamy working?

In their best-selling book, Sex at Dawn—FOF Cacilda Jetha and her husband Christopher Ryan challenge the idea that we’re meant to be with one sexual partner for life. Ryan and Jetha—a psychologist and a psychiatrist–take a look back at the origins of human sexuality in an attempt to explain why we struggle with monogamy today. They argue that for hundreds-of-thousands of years, our ancestors had many sexual partners, and that monogamy is a relatively recent—and potentially destructive–social construct.

We spoke to Ryan about cheating, sex after fifty, and the future of marriage.

  • Why is monogamy challenging long term?
    • We differentiate between sexual and social monogamy. Many species are socially monogamous—meaning they have long-term mates—but almost none are sexually monogamous. Consider penguins, for example. Many people think penguins are monogamous, but in fact, while they do pair off into “couples” socially, they continue to have sex with multiple partners. Sexual monogamy runs counter to our biology. Human beings have the behavior, the habits, the minds, and the bodies of promiscuous primates. Any social structure that denies that essential nature is going to lead to problems.
  • Is Tiger Woods an example of what happens when we go against our biology?
    • Yes, of course. Cases like Tiger and Elliot Spitzer and Bill Clinton come to our attention because they are so high profile. The level of opportunity these men have is also much higher than the average man. Chris Rock said, “A man is only as faithful as his opportunities.”
  • Why don’t we see the same thing with high profile women? Do women cheat as much as men?
    • Women probably aren’t cheating as much as men because many women need narrative, intimacy—a complex package—to feel sexually relaxed and free. You’re not going to get that from a one-night stand. The other issue: Women have 10,000 years of accumulated sexual repression. Right now in Iran, they’re stoning women to death for adultery; clitorectomies are happening all over North Africa. As recently as 70 years ago, Western doctors were advocating applying acid to little girls’ clitorises if they masturbated. The third reason: Women are just smarter than men about stuff like this. They’re better at keeping a secret. They have a greater social intelligence than most men do.
  • ImageSo, if we didn’t have the 10,000 years of social pressure, would women be seeking out multiple partners?
    • Yes—no question. Because if you look at present-day societies that don’t have that repression—as we do in Sex at Dawn—you find women engaging in multiple simultaneous relationships with every bit as much eagerness as men. In fact, with more eagerness than men as they age. A researcher named Thomas Gregor studied the Mehinaku people of Brazil, a tribe of hunter-gatherers that is very similar to our prehistoric ancestors. He found 88 ongoing affairs among the 37 adults in the village. Above age 45 or so, it was all the women who were having the affairs.
  • Wow! Why do you think that is?
    • We would argue that as women get into and past midlife, a lot of the things that were holding them back sexually no longer apply. They’re more at peace with themselves, their bodies, their own sexual response and masturbation. Also, the relative level of testosterone in a woman’s blood gets higher as she ages, and testosterone is related to sexual satisfaction and libido.
  • You make it sound like a great time to be single in your 50s. There’s less pressure to get married, you don’t have to worry about raising a baby, you’re more sexually free.
    • Yes! My uncle is in his 60s, and he divorced my aunt 10 years ago and moved to Florida. He can’t say enough about how much fun he’s having down there. He says, “These women are just so free and willing to have fun and be happy. There are none of the hang-ups: ‘Do you love me? will you respect me in the morning?’
  • Could the younger generation take a lesson? Should they be dating like they’re in their 50s?
    • On one level that sounds great, but on another level, there are biological and economic realities that women have to face. You can’t minimize the difficulties of a woman in her late 20s who really wants to have kids and hasn’t found the man of her life. What women should be doing is agitating as much as possible for greater social support for motherhood, single-motherhood and for children.
  • Image

    So what’s the answer? Should we all just start sleeping around, even if we’re married?

    • It depends on you; your age, your relationship and your situation. First, recognize that desiring sexual variety is not a fatal flaw in your relationship or you. If your husband looks at another woman or if you fantasize about another man, that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your marriage. It means you’re homo sapiens.
    • Recently a female friend told me that she had an urge to be with other men, and she spoke to her husband about it. He completely surprised her by saying, ‘Look, as long as you love me and you’re not going to leave me, then, okay, that’s cool.’ It blew her mind and made her love him more than she ever imagined before. And she said it completely took the pressure off. This was five years ago, and she’s never actually acted on her desire or even wanted to. I think that by loosening the reigns, we often lose the desire to break free.
  • So, you’re saying, just address the elephant in the living room?
    • Exactly. I would only change that to the “elephant in the bedroom.”
  • Many FOF women have kids that are of “marrying age,” but aren’t as interested in marriage as previous generations. They’re more open to living together long term or having kids without getting married. How should FOFs react to this trend in their children?
    • The only tangible advantage to marriage—and this varies from state to state–is the financial commitment that the husband takes on, so if they do get divorced he’ll have to pay alimony. If the woman in question is financially secure, then I don’t think it matters one way or the other whether they’re married or not.
    • Women are becoming much more prominent in virtually all the important parts of American society, from politics to corporations to media. A recent article in The Atlantic—entitled, “The End of Men”—argues that modern society is simply better suited to women. They’re better at what’s required these days: social emotional intelligence. If you look at grad school and medical school it’s almost all lopsided towards women.
  • And FOFs are the women who started us on the course toward the trend.
    • Right, but those women were much more vulnerable financially when they were getting married. So it’s natural for a woman to worry about her daughter, whereas the daughter–given the new reality–will probably feel much more self-sufficient and protected. If this trend continues, which it seems it will, hopefully it will translate into greater social support for women and children so that will increase the freedom that women feel to have children without necessarily being dependent upon a particular man for that.
  • Somewhat ironically, you and Cacilda have been married for over 10 years. Do you practice what you preach?
    • Yes. Our relationship is informed by our research. That’s our stock answer.
Author
Christopher Ryan, Ph.D.Christopher Ryan, Ph.D., is the author of Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality.
Based in Barcelona since the mid-1990s, Christopher has lectured at the University of Barcelona Medical
School and worked as a consultant at various local hospitals. He’s given presentations around the world (in
both English and Spanish), and published peer commentaries, scientific and popular articles as well as book
chapters. Christopher contributes to both Psychology Today and Huffington Post.
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Why Do FOFs Cheat?

Do men cheat more on women over 50? Do women cheat on men just as often? Can anything be done about it? Dr. Lucena has the info on infidelity.

ImageInfidelity. The word itself is powerful enough to cause sleepless nights; the act can easily break up a marriage. Infidelity may be the only issue where the suspicion alone can cause as much damage as the deed itself, and sometimes more. Does it have to be this way?

For FOF’s resident sex therapist, Dr. Williams Lucena, infidelity isn’t so much a malady as a symptom. Learning to effectively communicate with each other–not only in new ways, but in ways the two of you may have long forgotten–is both ounce of prevention and pound of cure.

  • FOF: Why do men cheat on fabulous women over fifty like us?
    • Dr. Lucena: Cheating is sometimes a symptom of something going on, or not going on in the relationship. When somebody–female or male–has the urge to look at someone else’s body, when they let someone else come into their mind and into their soul, something is incomplete in the relationship. Sometimes it’s a lack of communication or an established pattern of miscommunication. Sometimes there are questions about real love. Sometimes it’s just based on doubt, even though the love is really there.
  • FOF: Why does this seem to happen so often at this stage in a marriage?
    • Dr. Lucena: There are multiple reasons why someone would leave the door open. Some people have special needs that are not covered by the other person and they feel that they can’t talk about it. A lot of people slip into an attitude that says “We’ve been married 25 or 30 years, you know I love you, you know I’ve always taken care of you” and such. They assume that the other person knows how they feel. But people still need to hear that the other person loves them.
  • FOF: How important is a good sex life in keeping infidelity away?
    • People put too much pressure on sex in general. Sometimes to just lie naked with each other, caress each other, know the other person is next to you, can be equally important. Sometimes it’s just exploring each other. Sex is not just penetration; it’s exploring, touching, caressing, etc. to understand what part of my body is more sensitive, where do I get the most pleasure.
  • FOF: What if a couple is having all this sex and one person still cheats? Is it due to the relationship? Or is it a defect in the person that cheats?
    • There’s probably a need in the person that cheats. That person probably needs more and they feel they can’t talk about it. Men will say they’re cheating because this woman is doing something different. It’s very common. Perhaps the other woman is more active, or more enthusiastic. Sometimes they miss something you used to do when you were younger, but don’t do anymore.
  • FOF: So the cheating isn’t about the sex life we’re having?
    • These people are embracing the intimacy and communication. How do you see people cheating? A nice hotel, a nice bedroom, wine, a nice setting. They make a ritual of it. They prepare themselves for the other person. They get a haircut, wear special clothes. They try to be attractive. They’re trying to renew what they’ve lost with their wife or husband and feel like everything is new again.
  • FOF: New again after all these years?
    • Even if the person is the same person over and over, every day, there’s something different about that person to you. Something about them captures the attention, and probably always has. Through the years, in working and taking care of the kids, we forget about this stuff. All these wonderful details and beautiful moments we have together end up pushed away. We still need someone to look in our eyes, but we forget about it. All the everyday communication is about things like money, work, kids, the mortgage, tuition. So how can you go to bed with an erection, or a vagina that’s lubricated enough to be passionate?
  • FOF: Can cheating be stopped before it starts?
    • Get back to at least 30 minutes of intimacy every day. Just talk about yourselves–not the kids, not work. See what happens, without any pressure. Ask each other, what do I need in bed from you? Get back to the communication you used to have, before all these pressures. So you can feel like the woman that you are, and so he can remember the woman that he fell in love with.
Author
Dr. Williams Lucena
Physician and PsychiatristDr. Williams Lucena is a physician and psychiatrist in Venezuela and a Florida Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC). He has worked in the mental health field for 22 years and received his certification in sex therapy at the Sex Therapy Training Institute in Miami, Florida.

Dr. Lucena has experience in Transactional Analysis, Psycho-Corporal Techniques and other Psycho-Dynamic approaches and works with individuals, couples and group and family therapies. He headed the Prior Authorization Adult Department at the Miami Behavioral Health Center and was Clinical Administrator at Royal Coast Mental Health Center, Miami, Florida.

Williams also provides consulting services for various mental health facilities. He is currently the President of the Brain & Behavioral Institute of South Florida, www.bbisf.com

Have you closed the door on great sex?

FOF women today may be self assured and accomplished in the boardroom, but in the bedroom many of us become as repressed and lonely as our mothers were.

(Read on and be sure to email geri@faboverfifty.com with your own questions for Dr. Lucena. Your question will be kept private and will be submitted to Dr. Lucena for a response.)

A recent conversation with FOF’s resident sex therapist, Dr. Williams Lucena, revealed that many FOF women don’t think they’re worthy of great sex or of being desired. They feel that they got whatever they were going to get, and they’re not going to get anymore. They’ve resigned themselves to putting all of their energy into work, grandkids, charities, book clubs, the opera and hobbies. They’ve closed the door to a good roll in the hay with their husbands, and if they’re divorced or widowed, they feel too vulnerable to subject themselves to a new partner.

Dr. Lucena says a steady diet of satisfying sex for FOF women–even for those of us who are into our eighties–is as important as a well balanced diet, rigorous exercise routine and taking prescribed medications on a religious basis.

  • ImageFOF: Why is FOF sex so important?
    • Dr. Lucena: “Good sex lets you release emotions that need to get out and it kick starts certain sensitivities that give you a more relaxed life. It makes you feel alive. Intimacy is a very powerful source, even if it’s with an acquaintance. Sharing a sensual journey is all about positive energy. Too many people after fifty live in a world of isolation. As we get older, we need the comfort of being hugged and touched. Sex is the celebration of life that keeps us relevant and involved.”
  • FOF: What advice do you have for 50 plus single women who are afraid to date much less have sex?
    • Dr. Lucena: “It’s time to get comfortable with yourself. Your size and shape don’t matter. Don’t have the same expectations you did when you were dating in your teens. You are at a different level now. You have accomplished a lot in life. You need to extend yourself to new types of men. Have an open mind.
    • Learn to appreciate men with different interests. You are looking for sincere companionship. Respect the differences. You will be less afraid to date someone that may not be exactly your type. You might surprise yourself. Accomplished men can be fascinating and quite sexy.”
  • FOF: What should women know about having sex after years of celibacy?
    • Dr. Lucena: “The world is a very different place now. People freely discuss sexual experiences. FOF women have to learn how to communicate better. You need to tell your partners what pleases you. You need to touch yourself to discover your most sensitive areas, if you don’t already know where they are. You should use lubricants inside and out. Men will appreciate this kind of assertion. It will make them more comfortable that you are ready for a satisfying sexual experience. They don’t want to feel that this is a one-way street. Sex with older men can really be much more satisfying if women relax more and act with much more confidence. It will have a ripple effect.”
  • ImageFOF: Do you have suggestions for women who’ve simply lost their sexual appetite?
    • Dr. Lucena: “There’s no question about it. Changes take place in a woman’s body. Every age brings a different mental attitude. The libido can be very tricky. This is all natural if a woman knows how t o deal with it. One of my patients, in her sixties, said she had the best sex life with her husband of nearly 40 years. They had sex two or three times a week. All of a sudden, she couldn’t stand the thought of her husband touching her. She cringed every time he came near her. This went on for months until her physician found the right balance of hormones for her. She had no idea what was going on and now swears she will never get off the medication. A weakened libido can be caused by environmental factors, family history, depression, fatigue, self-image or just the thought of having to perform sex. The important thing to remember is that women must must must go for either mental health counseling or a physical checkup. The longer the libido is inactive, the worse the conditions gets.”
  • FOF: How does a FOF woman pick a sex therapist?
    • Dr: Lucena: “It’s far easier to select other mental health doctors rather than a sex therapist. You may have to shop around. It’s important to select a therapist who is truly comfortable with him or herself. You don’t want advice from someone who will judge or avoid certain topics because he or she is squeamish. There is nothing in consensual sex today that is unnatural. Good sex therapists have seen and heard it all in training. The discussions should be free and open and extremely enlightening.”

Have a sex question for Dr Lucena? Email it to geri@faboverfifty.com

Your question will be kept private and will be submitted to Dr. Lucena for a response.

Author
Dr. Williams Lucena
Physician and PsychiatristDr. Williams Lucena is a physician and psychiatrist in Venezuela and a Florida Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC). He has worked in the mental health field for 22 years and received his certification in sex therapy at the Sex Therapy Training Institute in Miami, Florida.

Dr. Lucena has experience in Transactional Analysis, Psycho-Corporal Techniques and other Psycho-Dynamic approaches and works with individuals, couples and group and family therapies. He headed the Prior Authorization Adult Department at the Miami Behavioral Health Center and was Clinical Administrator at Royal Coast Mental Health Center, Miami, Florida.

Williams also provides consulting services for various mental health facilities. He is currently the President of the Brain & Behavioral Institute of South Florida, www.bbisf.com