I have a very overweight friend who makes me feel guilty when I order healthy or go to the gym. I lost 40 pounds the hard way & she feels like I “rub it in” by making healthy choices. Help!!
There seem to be some wonderful lessons in this, and my intuition suggests they could have something to do with facing simple truth with compassion and empathy.
What IS the truth about how you lost all that weight? (Congratulations, by the way!)
Why was it important enough to you to make those lifestyle changes, and what did you need to face and let go of in your own emotional world in order to succeed?
My guess is that you had to discover some things about compassionate consistency (vs. harsh perfectionism), and simple reality (of habits and outcomes vs. “someday” storylines or excuses.)
One simple truth is that you have nothing to feel guilty about here. From your position of newfound strength and self-awareness, I wonder how you could compassionately invite your friend out of the noise into a loving discussion of what is really important to her.
There’s an old saying that “nobody can make you feel badly about yourself, but yourself.” You have done a beautiful job of taking your health into your own hands and being successful. My congratulations–it’s not easy. You should have a very kind conversation with your friend and with love, ask her why she is making such comments. Both you and she have the right to live your lives and make choices for yourselves. You don’t comment on what she eats and ask her please not to do the same with you. I also pose the question, is she really a good friend? I have a feeling that she is angry with herself and a bit jealous of you. If you understand that you can put your boundaries up and not let it effect you. Is she saying something to you or are you just feeling guilty? I am asking you these questions so that you can examine what is going on within you, since that is the most important thing. If she is just dumping on you, maybe you need to put a little distance between the two of you since you do not need a vampire robbing you of your energy of health.
Hope that helps, Wendy Martens
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