{Bedroom Confessions} “I get tired of ‘let’s just do sex’—how about more sensual?” –Connie* from the Midwest

Last month, we gave 12 FOF couples or singles the chance to win one of Sinclair Institute’s outstanding sex education videos. Sinclair has been helping people rev up their sex lives since 1991 and  is the leading source of sexual health products and videos in the United States.  Its Better Sex Video Series® has sold over four million videos in over 30 countries. Featuring real couples in loving and committed relationships, the videos explain and show us the stuff that turns them–and will turn you–ON!

We asked contest entrants which video they would most like to win. Then, we interviewed the winners–asking them to “bare all” about their sex lives. After they receive and watch the video of their choice, we will follow up and publish the interview here on the SEXcellent blog.

Below, is our first installment–an interview with an FOF from the Midwest, Connie* (name has been changed to protect her privacy.)

How old are you?
I’m 51

How long are you married?
29 years

Were there any other marriages between you?
My husband previously had a nine-month marriage.  It was like a sneeze, so I don’t know if you can count that.

How old is he?
56

What do you do?
I’m an elementary school teacher.

What does your husband do?
He teaches high school science.

How did you meet?
We were on a study abroad program with our respective colleges in the Twin City area.  About 30 of us went to Germany but we didn’t know each other.  We started dating towards the end of the six-month program and we married nine months later. I grew up in Oklahoma and he in St. Paul.

Children?
We have a 20-year-old daughter, an 18-year-old son and a surprise 10-year-old son who I had when I was 41. Right after my daughter was born, I was stricken with rheumatoid arthritis and we wanted to move back to be near my parents.  I now have varying levels of pain in my knees and have used everything from medication to alternative treatments.

My daughter is about to finish a four-year degree in history. She’s super driven but now she’s in love and getting married and says she’s going to wait for this guy. He has another year of school and wants to be a youth minister.

Give us some background on your sex life together.
When my husband and I met in Europe, we had our honeymoon first and then we married.  We were hot and heavy for each other.  We were in Paris, with no responsibilities, and it was fun.  Then we got married and I found my husband was really not interested in sex.

When we did have sex, it was good.  But we’d often go for two months without it.  Sometimes, I couldn’t pay my husband to have sex with me.  I think I asked him 500 times in the past if he was gay.

My husband wasn’t a great communicator. It finally came out that a man raped him when he was 14 and his dad didn’t act appropriately with him, either.  A lot of weird and icky stuff happened in his childhood. Sexually, it wasn’t easy for us. But we stuck it out.

When I had my 10-year-old, I nursed him for a while.  I was 43ish and it was strange that I wasn’t getting my period back.  After I went to see the doctor, she called back, laughed and said I didn’t have any hormones. I had horrible hot flashes.  It was terrible, but I kept thinking my period would come back.  I couldn’t get my head around it. It took me a long time.  I had one blowout period and then that was that. I was in denial.

Once my hormones plummeted, I had no interest in sex, none, for the first time in my life. So then I thought, this is ok, we’re both in the same boat and he’d start to say: ‘Hey, you’re not interested….’ But I had been saying that for 20 years.  I can’t say I felt sorry for him.

What made you change your mind?
During the last few years, we came through a horrible crisis with our middle son, which was a huge strain on our entire family. We decided we had to take care of our marriage.  We couldn’t let our son wreck our family.  We realized, if we’re going to be married for the rest of our lives, let’s make it as good as we can.

When our son was away, we realized we had peace in our home. Then we tried to have sex at least once a week.  You need to do that. It’s just not good if you don’t.

What did you mean in your statement that your husband is more giving?
During the last two to four years, he’s been paying all this attention to me and spending more time, sexually, than in the past. All of a sudden, he’s also having oral sex, which he wasn’t into before. I said ‘What’s this?’ It was shocking.  But he just wants to get to business.   He’s just not a sensual kind of guy.

I was a full-time massage therapist for eight years and I would like to be sensual. Because my hormones aren’t there, I just can’t say, ‘Bing, I’m ready.’

Do you have oral sex with your husband?
Rarely.  I’m just not good at it.  He doesn’t say no, but he usually doesn’t want it.

What would you like to accomplish?
I’d like to try and get the interest back. I took bio-identical hormones but I didn’t renew the prescription when it ran out. I’m preoccupied with my dad, who has Alzheimer’s. Besides, the hormone treatments didn’t help much because the doses were so low.  It’s like I flat-lined when I lost my period.

The ironic part is that my husband is a really good-looking guy. I married up in the looks department. He’s the kind of man who still attracts women. He’s a runner, a tennis player, and super active. At the same time, he’s still kind of prudish and doesn’t want to talk about sex, even though he grew up like a hippy, in a crunchy granola family.  I’m a Lutheran Pastor’s daughter.

When you’re older, you can enter into a sweet part of your life without hang-ups. So what if I’m sagging?

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41 Responses to “{Bedroom Confessions} “I get tired of ‘let’s just do sex’—how about more sensual?” –Connie* from the Midwest”

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  4. NewYawkahBroad says:

    Verbal communication is essential with these kinds of emotional and physical issues. It’s difficult to express sexuality in a healthy way when you’re introduction is so skewed. My heart breaks for your husband.

    Did he have any effective counseling? Without it it’s like trying to row in mud. He needs to understand now that he’s a man it’s in HIS control to enjoy sexuality and not anyone else. He’s missing so much….

    As a Christian we, who have sexual hangups or destructive pasts, are taught the marriage bed is undefiled. Meaning what goes on between a consenting husband and wife (that doesn’t include others) is pure.

    In a quiet and uninterrupted time ask him if he has any fantasies. You MUST be prepared to be non-judgemental considering his past. He may think you would be put off by any request, and you might be, but it’s worth a try for him to know you are willing to make things work. Unless it’s something involving farm animals and circus clowns
    [ 🙂 ]be open to trying new things. Don’t say no right off the bat.

    My husband has a kinky bent and he was afraid to approach me. I told him I would be willing to listen and simply say no if it was off putting to me. I said yes to a few new things that surprisingly I enjoyed! Some I tried once and said, “No, thank you.” Others I just said, “Not a snowballs chance, dude….”.

    Consider all of this. I hope things open up for the two of you.

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