I am one of the fortunate women who has a strong sex drive, but unfortunate in that I have not found anyone of interest to share with. I’d love to have a playmate, but don’t know how to not appear too aggressive or a shamless hussy in the minds of those who still label a woman as such. Ideas?

0 Answers

  1. barb mayer wrote on :

    I am like you are, a woman with a strong sex drive but I have no current man willing to help me out with that. I have a suggestion for you that worked great for me: Instead of finding a “playmate” (who is probably just a temporary substitute that can quickly give you what you need sexually but would leave you feeling less than satisfied), you might try buying a sexual toy such as a vibrator.

    You can go on “AdamandEve.com” to find the right one for you or go to your local pharmacy and buy a vibrator for the whole body but make sure it has various “heads” on it to stimulate the correct body part for you.

    Before I bought my first one years ago, I had always thought of vibrators only as something directly out of a porn movie. My vibrator has one particular “head” on it that is small and rounded but touches just the right spot. It is not long like a penis and does not go inside of me because those do not satisfy me. Mine is to apply to the front area between the labia (lips) of my “down there” as if it were a man’s tongue. You can also fantasize all you want with a vibrator.

    It vibrates at the speed that is best for me (mine is at the slowest speed because that just works for me the best). I get complete orgasms and total satisfaction from that a few times, then I am done. You will be surprised at how good it feels and that you can simply go on with your life after using it.

    I only use mine when the urges are more than I can stand, which is once a month or even less often. I get the relief I so desperately need without having to face the problem with another person who might accidentally give me an STD. I promise that you won’t feel ashamed because only YOU know that you use it occasionally (or often). Just be sure to keep it clean between uses to avoid UTI’s (urinary tract infections).

    My gynecologist says there is nothing wrong with using a vibrator except if you decide you can ONLY be satisfied by a vibrator and decide to forget about finding someone with whom to share your life. Good luck in your search for a vibrator perfect for you, Geri.

  2. evelyn resh wrote on :

    Congratulations! I respect and appreciate your honestly about your lust. As far as seeming like a shameless hussy, being lustful and a hussy are not synonymous. Also, in order to enjoy casual sex you need to maximize your sexual literacy to guard against untoward outcomes, like dating violence, an unplanned pregnancy, or a STI. Understand all you can about keeping yourself safe so you can fully enjoy yourself when having casual sex. As far as others opinions are concerned, how many folks need to know this about you? Given the level of misunderstanding about women’s sexuality that still reigns out there, perhaps being selective and somewhat discrete about who you disclose this too is prudent as opposed to provincial. Lastly, don’t forget your self-pleasuring practices. Whether you’re coupled or not, self-pleasuring is an important aspect of sexual satisfaction that is often over-looked or undervalued.

    • Geri Greene wrote on :

      Thanks for the smile. I have the self part down to a science – I’m sensing I’m more ready for a nice relationship with the awkwardness of should we? shouldn’t we? out of the way – while not feeling I want someone around 24/7. It is obvious I need to get out and about more often, and make more of the connections that appeal to me, yet I know I’m trying to live up to some wonderful moments in the past that were – until they were not. Thank you for taking this question seriously. I know a few men in particular and some in general who complain their wife is not interested – but I’m not ready yet to do was Helen Gurley Brown suggested – to “borrow” them unless they come with a permission slip and if they did I’d likely run!

    • barb mayer wrote on :

      I wrote my last post before I read YOUR last post on 8/29/2012 because it somehow wasn’t on this site. 🙁

      Instead of a vibrator as suggested in my other post, if you have met a man you like but you aren’t having sex with yet, give it a little time. I promise that one of you (or both) will decide that it is time for sex. I bet since you have a strong sex drive, you will have already done it by now (two months is a LONG time for us, wink).

      If this guy isn’t “Mr. Right”, he is obviously “Mr. Right Now”. Don’t feel badly about having to try out a few men before you find THE right one.

      Some men just don’t have what are considered to be “normal sex drives” for men. Yes, that’s true. I was married to two who did not and I didn’t know that until AFTER I married them. Make sure he can meet your sex drive or you will be miserable all through your relationship because you are oversexed for men who think they are normal. That can cause the whole relationship to fizzle out.

  3. CandidaRoyalle wrote on :

    Yes, you are indeed fortunate, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, especially a man with such a weak sense of his manhood that he would find it necessary to diminish you as a woman! I’m curious: have you actually had this happen to you? Or is it your own fear kicking in? And a legitimate fear it would be. The double standard is alive and well in the 21st century! There are still men who are uncomfortable with the power of a woman’s sexuality. As the late Dr. Masters (of the famous Masters & Johnson team of sexuality experts) once said in a lecture I attended, when they first began researching women’s sexuality, one of the first things they learned was that “woman’s capacity for pleasure would put any man to shame”. I myself have had the unfortunate experience of having a man try to make me feel like I was “over-sexed”; the worst was when it was a man I was seriously involved with! I counted my blessings upon finding myself with a man who had the same level of desire as I, which was not always the case!
    So what are we women of strong desire to do when searching for a new playmate and fearing the horribly out-dated and unfair label of “shameless hussy”, or worse, a slut?!? Remember: labels like “slut” or “tramp”, another common slur from back in the day, are conjured up to silence women and put them “in their place”…sexually speaking. No decent young woman wanted to be labeled in such a way as to hurt her chances of finding a good man who would choose her as his wife and bring her home to meet mom ‘n dad! So we women kept our sexual secrets and desires to ourselves and silently prayed that our new mates would figure out how to make it good for us…because we sure couldn’t let on that we knew a little about all that! (Read Carol Groneman’s book, “Nymphomania: A history”, for some real-life nightmares about what used to be done to women who were cursed with that label, just for having a strong sex-drive.)
    The first thing you need to do is consciously decide within yourself that you are not going to be manipulated in to being a silent-but-good girl. Your right to a fulfilling sex-life is as important as his, and no one but you can insure that you are going to have that healthy sex life. We must be clear-eyed and look out for men who would make us feel “over-sexed”, like there’s something wrong with us. If we know what we want and we’re clear about it, it shouldn’t be too difficult to recognize the guys who are hung up and willing to make a woman feel bad for something she should be celebrating. And when you sense that you’re with someone like this, run. Run as fast as you can. No need to waste your time. It’s unlikely a man who’s reached his later years is going to change his sexual modus operandi at this point.
    The funny thing is, I’ve actually found some men in their ‘50’s and older that seem to place more importance on sex than the men I’ve had in their younger years. Almost like they need to show that they’re virile as ever…but I suppose that could invite trouble, too.
    Bottom line is, Geri, there’s no magic bullet to protect you from someone who’s going to judge you for being a happy woman with a healthy level of desire. You’re the one who’s got to be clear about who you are, and comfortable with the strength of your desires. Sex is a very sensitive and touchy area for most people, and especially for most men given the cultural pressure to “perform” well in bed – even the use of the word “perform” shows how much pressure is put on men. And now, with this whole fascination with women over a certain age…cougars! (another pet peeve of mine!) – older men also feel the need to compete with their younger male competitors! So the pressure is on, and with this added new trend, men are probably feeling even more threatened than ever, and likely to point the finger at the woman when things don’t go as they’d like in the boudoir!
    So bolster yourself with the awareness that you are blessed to have such a healthy appetite, and be prepared to not take personally the behavior of a man in need of an excuse. The main piece of practical advice I’ll leave you with is this: when you need to talk about what’s happening in bed, do not do it when you’re in bed; wait until you’re having some version of your after-sex smoke, or over brunch the next day. And if you’re looking to suggest something different, or just discuss your roll in the hay, begin your conversation with a compliment. Talk about what you liked, and maybe ask him what he liked. Then you can move it on to a benign suggestion of something you thought would be fun to try; or a different way of going for the same “goal”…if you know what I mean. This way you don’t put him on the defensive; you simply open up a conversation about your experience together, like discussing a good meal you shared.

    • Geri Greene wrote on :

      Having just now seen this response, I am delighted by the energy in the reply. While I think I am an attractive individual, entertaining and bright person, I have not attracted much attention beyond general conversation with a few people to whom I would be attracted. And just this past weekend when things were looking promising, I erred in divulging my year of birth and could see the curtain drawing with my dinner date in a large room of friends I’m just getting to know. The next morning when we met again at a spiritual church function, it was lukewarm and I was reminded to perhaps not give that information again as a badge of honor. I am quite capable of self pleasure but am looking for more in terms of a relationship as I realize that I am finally ready to welcome someone into my world, so it may conflict with just wanting to enter a casual relationship. Short of wearing a sign on my forehead or target on my back, I am wondering how to accomplish this intimate maneuver. (Yes, I DO talk on all sides of an issue). I know I’m affected by the rules of the time when last I dated and those rules no longer serve… Thanks for the reply that you provided. Another friend has given me a PERMISSION SLIP to slip into the arms of another – but it has to be someone I feel attraction for. AHA – this is the key – the last person who assumed a date ended in a horizontal position assumed wrongly and it was awkward. Now to erase that image of over a year ago!

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