I have been married for 14 years to a man who, after all this time finally admitted that he is not physically attracted to my body; that he never has been. He told me because I was so sexually intriguing to him that the physical would not be so important, I am devastated and he still wants sex.

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4 Answers

  1. Coach Christine wrote on :

    Hello Roxxie1,
    Oh how devastating to hear this from your husband. I’m so sorry this happened to you. And I can only imagine when he said he still wants to have sex with you this added to the hurt and confused feelings you were feeling.

    This is a devasting hurt I would love to help you through it. Please tell me what you would ultimately like to happen so together we can come up with some steps to help you survive and ultimately thrive.

    Coach Christine

    • Roxxie1 wrote on :

      Hi Christine,
      Thank you for your lovely and kind response. That’s a good question, what do I want? I would like to get past this devastating admission by my husband and somehow get to a place within myself that I can regain some self-confidence. My husband has agreed to have weekly meetings to discuss this and many other issues that are present in our marriage. I have always been a very sexual woman and it feels as though I’ve just shut down. My motivation to work out is a struggle and I have gained 20 pounds; I have always been very fit and rather slim. I just can’t shake the fear that if I agree to resume a sexual relationship with him and he had issues with my body BEFORE when I was a lot more fit then what will he think now? What a dilemma! Thanks for any advice you might share with me. Kind regards, Roxanne

    • Coach Christine wrote on :

      Hi Roxanne,

      Thank you for answering my question. I hear you’d like to get past this devastating admission by your husband and somehow get to a place within yourself to regain some self-confidence. These are certainly attainable goals. It will take a few steps.

      And first I want to let you know that feeling shut down is a pretty normal reaction to have in your circumstances. As women we need to feel we can absolutely trust the man we’re with in order to feel sexually available. Not only do our emotions require us to feel safe, cared about, and valued, our minds need to know the man has our best interest at heart and our bodies need to feel open and relaxed to accept their bodies physically inside ours. And to hear he isn’t attracted to your body (and hasn’t been) certainly removes all of these very important elements. And I hear you fear what your husband will think about your body today because you now weight 20 additional pounds since he had issues before. You didn’t mention if your husband told you why he felt the way he did.

      I’m happy to hear you’ve agreed to have a meeting each week to discuss this and many other issues that are present in your marriage. It’s a great sign that your husband has agreed to weekly meetings. Sounds like you did a great job asking for this and that working on the problems is important to him too. I’m curious if you’ve thought about (and then discussed with your husband) a plan for your meetings each week. How will each of you feel heard? How will agreements/compromises be reached? What will keep the meetings from turning into fights?

      There is some groundwork that can definitely help your meetings feel more productive.

      For you to get past the admission it would first be important to determine what things you would need to hear from your husband and/or what things you would need for your husband to do for you to get past it. And just as important to determine what things you need to say and do for yourself to regain your self-confidence. I would be happy to go through this process with you to help determine your answers and then use them to support you in creating conversations that will ensure you feel heard by your husband during the meetings.

      We would also discuss a way to find out from your husband why he feels like he does and what would help him feel differently. It’s very important to determine what’s going on for each person because frequently we guess what the other person is thinking and we often guess the incorrect answer. And if you don’t know ‘really’ what he thinks and feels you really won’t know what can be done about it.

      I believe together we can unravel this dilemma you’ve found yourself in and create a plan to move you through it to a life where your self-confidence will return.

      Kind regards back to you,

      Coach Christine

  2. Roxxie1 wrote on :

    Hi, I posted this a few days ago and wanted to follow up!
    Thanks so much, Roxxie

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