My uncle and aunt had close friends, F and D, who vacationed with them and went out with them all the time. F was also the receptionist at my uncle’s accounting firm. The two couples were thick as thieves.
F and D were a good-looking couple and had a fantastic marriage. They didn’t have children. But when D died in his early seventies, F went into a tailspin. She began turning down all my uncle and aunt’s invitations to join them…anywhere. That was understandable for a while, after she lost the love of her life, but it went on and on and on.
She didn’t even come to the party for my uncle and aunt’s 60th wedding anniversary. They rationalized that she didn’t want to let her sadness spoil anyone else’s time, but I said “hogwash! She’s selfish,” especially since D died years before. My cousins agreed. It was sad F couldn’t remove her permanent veil of grief for an evening to share in the joy of dear friends.
I admire great marriages and understand how it must feel when your soulmate dies. But if we let our pain overtake us, aren’t we negating the joy we once had and the joy we can still have and share?
F came to my aunt’s funeral and accepted my uncle’s invitation to join him for dinners and the movies during the next few years. When she came to his funeral, she stood away from everyone.
I wonder what she was thinking.
0 Responses to “4-1=2”
Geri says:
Hi Duchesse,
Thank you for your insightful comments, as always.
Dear Geri,
Behind your judgment that this woman “is selfish” is your disappointment and (I sense) longing for her participation in one of our deepest family rituals, mourning.
When pain overtook her, she was where she was. She could not be available then– people can’t give what they don’t have to give, grieving does not follow a timetable. Do we know firsthand what it is like to lose a partner of 40+ years, then a close friend?
She has made definite steps to be more connected to your uncle and the family. Focus on that, love her… from what you have written, she loves your family.
One last time: one cannot disagree with another person’s perceptions. One can have a different perception, absolutely.
Second, I am trying to find a way to opt out of FOF profiles & cannot find it. I was sent a msg saying that I was sent a private msg & when I hit the link, it was gone. So I don’t know if it was some diatribe against me or not.
Geri–Wow. You are too rough on someone who suffered from traumatic grief. You don’t know the half of it apparently. I’m really shocked actually. I think I have to stop coming over here. What a tremendous lack of kindness & compassion. I’m so disappointed in you & I’m a tough one. But I am on disability for PTSD & work very hard. You could be describing someone like me or others I know. I’m frankly hugely insulted. How can you think you know — really know, what actually went on in the brain of that person. I don’t care how irritating it might have been.
0 Responses to “4-1=2”
Geri says:
Hi Duchesse,
Thank you for your insightful comments, as always.
Fondly,
Geri
Duchesse says:
Dear Geri,
Behind your judgment that this woman “is selfish” is your disappointment and (I sense) longing for her participation in one of our deepest family rituals, mourning.
When pain overtook her, she was where she was. She could not be available then– people can’t give what they don’t have to give, grieving does not follow a timetable. Do we know firsthand what it is like to lose a partner of 40+ years, then a close friend?
She has made definite steps to be more connected to your uncle and the family. Focus on that, love her… from what you have written, she loves your family.
Susan says:
One last time: one cannot disagree with another person’s perceptions. One can have a different perception, absolutely.
Second, I am trying to find a way to opt out of FOF profiles & cannot find it. I was sent a msg saying that I was sent a private msg & when I hit the link, it was gone. So I don’t know if it was some diatribe against me or not.
That being said, good luck to all.
Susan
Preppy 101 says:
Having driven 9 hours today, I am too tired to go into detail, but I completely disagree with Susan’s perceptions of you. xoxo
Geri says:
Hi Preppy,
I appreciate your comment.
Fondly,
Geri
Geri says:
Dear Susan,
I’ve enjoyed your positive feedback in the past and am sorry my comments have disappointed you this time.
Best,
Geri
Susan says:
Geri–Wow. You are too rough on someone who suffered from traumatic grief. You don’t know the half of it apparently. I’m really shocked actually. I think I have to stop coming over here. What a tremendous lack of kindness & compassion. I’m so disappointed in you & I’m a tough one. But I am on disability for PTSD & work very hard. You could be describing someone like me or others I know. I’m frankly hugely insulted. How can you think you know — really know, what actually went on in the brain of that person. I don’t care how irritating it might have been.
Good luck with FOF. I’m outta here.