A sonogram of the baby boy my daughter will have in four months.
Some FOFriends bask in their state of “grandmotherhood.” They talk about their grandchildren as if nothing existed before them. They visit their little bundles of joy every opportunity they can and will drop everything to babysit, take them on outings and whisk them off on vacation. Other FOFs, who haven’t yet reached the state of “GMH,” wait with great anticipation for the news. Becoming a grandmother is one of the primary goals in their FOF lives.
My mother was not a grandmother like this to my children. Not even close.
What about me?
It felt surreal when my 30-year-old daughter told me she was pregnant two months ago. Although I would give up my life to protect the young woman sitting next to me in the car, I never embraced my motherhood naturally. I would have been a pariah among today’s mommy bloggers (the expression makes me gag), who talk about their rapture when they interact and look at their children. One writes that she stops dead in her tracks to acknowledge her toddler every single time he enters the room so he can know how much he’s appreciated. I’m not sure if I’m envious of this woman’s ability to be so attentive to a two-year-old, or think she’s full of hot air and trying to impress all the other mommy bloggers currently flooding the Internet with their motherly love and sagacity.
I am sure I wasn’t capable of being this kind of mother, for a variety of reasons. And so how can I be this kind of grandmother?
Will I coo-coo non-stop around my grandson (sonogram technology is miraculous)? Will I patiently read him Goodnight Moon 5 times in a row? Will I stop everything when he toddles into the room? Will I be thrilled when he calls me “grandma?”
My daughter is going to be one hell of a mother. She’s far more self-confident than I was at her age and I think she’s going to pass that to her child (without having to stop dead in her tracks every time he enters the room.)
No matter how I feel and act as a grandmother, I will be there for my daughter whenever and wherever she needs me. I may not become a golden grandma, but I have a lot of experience trying to be a good mother. And I’m never going to stop trying.