Our favorite sex experts reveal the pills, creams, tricks and toys that actually work to get FOFs in the mood.

The hard truth: menopause depletes our estrogen, which can cause vaginal dryness, loss of arousal and loss of sexual satisfaction in some women. Or, in the words of Dr. Michael Krychman, Director of the Southern California Center for Sexual Health, “orgasms were once like thunder and lightening, and now they are the pitter-patter of rain.” But, being FOF also brings increased confidence, freedom and self-awareness which can lead to the most satisfying sex of your life. At the end of the day, the former is fixable and the latter is fabulous.

Here, our most trusted authorities on women’s sexual health, Dr. Patricia Allen, Candida Royalle, Dr. Holly Thacker and Dr. Michael Krychman, reveal everything that’s really worked to help their FOF patients get the “thunder and lightening” back in the bedroom.

• 1. Get your “equipment” in working order.
  • Dr. Pat Allen: “Lack of estrogen can cause vaginal tissues to become dry and thin–not very arousing. To restore pinkness and plumpness, I prescribe the use of high-dose vitamin D for three weeks. Then a woman can choose to use vaginal estrogen, which generally comes in two forms—a cream (Estrace and Premarin are the two most common) and a pill called Vagifem that’s inserted twice a week. Vagifem is designed to limit its absorption in to the blood vessels, however some small amount of the estrogen many enter the blood stream and could increase the risk of breast and endometrial cancer. It’s thought to be an extremely low risk.”
  • Dr. Michael Krychman: “If you don’t want to use or can’t use hormones, you can try non-hormonal vaginal moisturizers such as Me Again or Replens which are applied on a regular basis to help hydrate the vaginal tissue and improve skin quality.”
• 2. Lubrication, lubrication, lubrication.
  • Candida Royalle: “Use a good water-based lubricant, especially around the outer opening to the vagina.”
  • Dr. Holly Thacker: “Water-soluble lubricants such as Astroglide® or K-Y Jelly®, can help a lot.”
  • Dr. Pat Allen: “For women who are allergic to the propylene glycol found in products such as KY, plain old mineral oil is a wonderful lubricant. It would not work with a condom–you must use a water-based lube with a condom. Some women don’t want their partners to know that they’re not getting lubricated. For that, KY ovules, used twice a week, on a regular basis, could be enough to keep you lubricated when the time comes.”
• 3. Try an aphrodesiac that actually works.
  • Dr. Holly Thacker: “There is an over-the-counter ‘feminine arousal fluid’ called Zestra that’s available without a prescription. A small, randomized trial showed that when women applied Zestra to the genitals–versus some other over-the-counter oil–they had better sensation and slightly better ability to climax.”
  • Dr. Michael Krychman: “I’ve seen good results with two over-the counter products: Zestra, a proprietary blend of essential oils that increases arousal, and ArginMax, a supplement that helps by improving circulation.”
• 4. Edit your sexual script.
  • Dr. Michael Krychman: “Patients often come to me and say things like, ‘We always have sex on Friday night after Letterman.’ Just changing one thing about your sexual routine–the location or time for example, can have a major effect on arousal.”
• 5. Rub a Dub Dub. Get going in the tub.
  • Candida Royalle: “Take a warm bath before intercourse to help you relax. You could even begin some sensual self-stimulation and caressing while in the bath to get you in the mood. Consider adding a waterproof vibrator.
• 6. Tell him the doctor made you do it.
  • Dr. Michael Krychman: “Forty percent of women don’t have orgasm during penetration and many have a much easier–and better–time when a vibrator is involved. But women are nervous about bringing vibrators into the bedroom for fear their men will feel threatened. I tell my patients, ‘Tell your husband that your gynecologist prescribed it.’”
• 7. Lights, Camera, Get Some Action.
  • Candida Royalle: “Many women claim watching an erotic movie that they like works better than anything else they’ve tried. Consider movies made by and for women. Or read erotic stories together. Some couples become well-versed in telling their favorite erotic stories to each other, which can really put you both in the mood.”
• 8. Practice makes perfect.
  • Candida Royalle: “Masturbate regularly to keep yourself vaginally and sexually fit. This will help your body continue to produce “sex hormones” and enable you to be more easily be aroused. Also, doing regular Kegel exercises not only helps keep the muscles strong to enable good bladder control; it also increases blood to the vaginal walls, which will increase lubrication and keep your vaginal walls toned and able to feel sensations more easily.”

Author

Dr. Holly Thacker, Dr. Patricia Yarberry Allen, Dr. Michael Krychman and Candida RoyalleDr. Holly Thacker, MD, FACP is the director of the Cleveland Clinic Center for Specialized Women’s Health and the of authored two outstanding books on menopause and hormones. — Dr. Patricia Yarberry Allen, MD, director of the New York Menopause Center, is a gynecologist affiliated with New York-Presbyterian Hospital and a board-certified fellow of the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology. — Dr. Michael Krychman is a board certified obstetrician and gynecologist and the Director of the Southern California Cetner for Sexual Health and Survivorship Medicine. — Candida Royalle is a renowned sex expert and the the founder of Femme Productions, and female-focused erotic film company, and of Natural Contours, a line of intimate sexual toys for women.

A psychologist reveals why you may be a compulsive shopper–and not even realize it.

What do Mary Todd Lincoln, William Randolph Hearst and Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis have in common? Aside from friends in high places and triplicate names, each had an issue with what psychologist April Benson calls “the smiled upon addiction”: compulsive buying. Like workaholism, shopping addiction is often dismissed as relatively harmless, and is sometimes even considered positive (remember Bush 43 telling Americans to “go shopping more” to combat the recession). But as Dr. Benson told us, this can be an extremely deleterious condition.

• What is shopping addiction?
  • Shopping addiction is when someone spends so much time, energy or money, shopping – or even just thinking about shopping – that it’s impairing his or her life in a significant way.
• So you don’t need to buy anything to have a shopping compulsion?
  • If you’re spending eight hours a day thinking about it, or obsessively ruminating, or going online and putting things in your shopping cart, you’re considered a compulsive buyer. You could be classified as a compulsive buyer without ever buying a thing.
• How do I know if I’m someone who has a shopping problem, versus someone who just spends a little too much sometimes?
  • Shopping addiction isn’t necessarily about the money, it’s about how shopping impedes your life. If you or someone you know has any of the following “symptoms” – it’s a problem:
  • • You are shopping despite considerable debt or despite having no money for retirement.
  • • You’ve isolated yourself from her friends, your spouse or your children due to shopping. For example, there might be fights at home because of the spending or you’ve found yourself lying about something you bought. A lot of relationships break up over this.
  • • You lack other personal interests. Somebody who’s spending so much time, energy and money shopping often has little time or interest in cultivating other talents and hobbies.
  • • You experience considerable anxiety, guilt or shame from shopping.
• Why do people compulsively shop?
  • There are several main factors that play into shopping addiction. It is for some people an instant mood enhancer. Money is an equal opportunity, all-purpose mood-changer. For other people, it makes them feel more like their ideal self – they believe the acquisition of material goods is a central goal of life, a key to happiness, and a predictor of success. Some do it because it makes them feel more in control, because in other areas of their lives, they feel out of control. Some people do it to avoid dealing with loss, or to avoid a step in their life they don’t want to take. Some people do it because it’s the lesser of evils – for instance, if they’re not doing this, they might be shooting up heroin. They may come from a family with a lot of addiction. Some people do it to express anger, or seek revenge. One study in England suggested that up to a quarter of compulsive buyers do it for revenge – on spouses or parents.
• It seems important to realize that this addiction touches on more than just money.
  • There’s financial affording, and then there’s emotional and spiritual affording. We can bankrupt ourselves in many ways. A full one-third of the people that I work with are not in debt.
• We all know people who live for bargains, perhaps compulsively. What’s going on there?
  • The need to get a bargain is something that differentiates one group from the others. These people might feel less deserving, and need to spend less money on themselves than the normal compulsive buyer.
• What about people who have a lot of money, and as soon as a new luxury item comes out, they have to have it, whether they need it or not?
  • This is about status – and how important it is to have the newest and the best. Compulsive shoppers tend to have a big self-discrepancy – the distance between who we are and who we’d like to be, or how we would like to be seen. People might think a particular product will help them get closer to being that ideal person.
• What about wishful shoppers? For instance, someone who wants to lose weight, so she or he will buy something too small, with the thought they’ll lose weight to fit into it.
  • It’s buying for a fantasy. Buying for a party you imagine you’d go to. Or buying for a size or shape you imagine you could attain. Buying for a date you imagine you could go on.
• Some people seem to get hooked on QVC, or HSN, almost as if buying something from them makes them feel less lonely – as if the people on TV were their friends.
  • Absolutely. A colleague of mine did a study of 100 testimonial calls to QVC – ‘Why I love QVC.’ 75% of those calls had to do with compulsive buying motives. And home shopping networks lull you into believing that these are your friends whom you’re buying from. A lot of insomniacs do this – that’s when they’re buying. They feel much less alone, like they have a friend out there.
• What should you do if you feel you might have a problem?
  • In my book, there’s a perforated card with six questions. I tell my clients to ask and answer them in writing when they’re about to buy something. If you can answer these satisfactorily, it’s probably not a compulsive purchase. This is also a way of creating space between the impulse and the action, which is often all we need to make a more mindful decision.
  • • Why am I here?
  • • How do I feel?
  • • Do I need this?
  • • What if I wait?
  • • How will I pay for it?
  • • Where will I put it?
• How do you approach a friend or loved one you might be concerned about?
  • You want to start by saying what you’ve noticed. For instance, “I have noticed that every day I see you, you’re wearing something different.” Or, “I noticed how much money is coming out of our checking account.” Describe rather than dictate. Put the focus on how the behavior has made you feel, not directly on the person. Then, if they’re receptive, talk about possible help.

For more information, please visit Dr. Benson at www.shopaholicnomore.com, where you will find several helpful resources, including a free self-assessment guide, and information on her books.

Author
	April BensonApril Lane Benson, Ph.D., is a nationally known psychologist who specializes in the treatment of compulsive buying disorder. She practices in New York City.