anneo SAID:

I am eligible to retire this year at age 48. This has always been the plan that my husband and I had agreed to. Now that the date is imminent, he doesn’t want me to retire but instead to keep working. I feel betrayed that he is changing the plan and I resent it.

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4 Answers

  1. Carolyn Hidalgo wrote on :

    I can understand you feeling resentful when plans change, especially this important one you worked out together. He committed to something, and now it’s different. The reality is for whatever reason it appears either your husband is not ready to retire, or perhaps wants to accumulate more financial resources before retiring? It’s important to create a space to discuss his reasons, and your reasons for retiring at 48 where you are not feeling betrayed, and resentful. This energy closes the space to have a meaningful discussion of your retirement plan (an important endeavor!), which I assume was made jointly with the intention of you enjoying your time together.

    I know it can feel really disappointing, but if you can let go momentarily, and be in a space of curiosity with your husband about his wanting you to keep working, it will allow you both to explore ‘what’s going on now?’ What has caused him to change your mind? Listen openly for his reasoning, and try to understand where he’s coming from. You may not agree, but from here you can move forward without resentment because you can share, and have him listen to you for why you want to stop at 48. He needs to understand WHY this is important for you still since its coming up soon, and hasn’t changed for you.

    When we feel betrayed, it’s an energy of ‘you owe me, and didn’t follow through’, which is a controlling energy. To release resentment, its important to find a way to honour that we each have different wants, and needs, and these can change. Imagine if you had created a plan, and changed your mind later, would you want someone to say ‘no, too bad stick with the plan’ even if it doesn’t work for you anymore?

    The last thing we want is forcing our will onto others because we wouldn’t want that for ourselves. Sure it’s disappointing, but what options now may be open to you given that your husband now wants you to continue working? What if you retire, and he doesn’t? If you hear his reasoning, you might agree, and not want to retire especially if it’s perhaps just a few years away? Whatever the case, listen into what he wants, AND assess what will work for you. If you can’t stand your job, and can retire now, why not? He may not want that, but explore all the options now. Let go of the ‘plan’ that was made in the past because everything changes, and you want to find that space to give what will provide the highest well-being for each other NOW for your life going forward. Perhaps there’s a compromise you can find when you explore all the options given you both want the same thing ultimately – to be happy together when the time comes to retire…

  2. Carla Beach wrote on :

    Your feeling of betrayal and resentment is understandable when the rules of the game get changed without your participation or consent. And while there are many questions that come to mind—(Has your husband already retired but wants you to keep working? Is your husband unwilling to retire and therefore wants you to keep working, too? Do you have the means to retire according to your plan, or has the economy over the past few years affected your ability to retire?)—the ones that I’m most curious about are these:

    What is it that retirement really means to you? What are you hoping to do in retirement that you will be prevented from doing by continuing to work? What dream is being delayed by delaying retirement?

    If you don’t have a ready answer to these questions, I would ask that you spend time clarifying exactly what retirement really signifies to you. Then, ask yourself how you can best use that new-found understanding of your dreams and plans to engage your husband in a collaborative discussion about how and when you transition into retirement.

  3. Catharine Ecton wrote on :

    Thank you for your question. This is a common issue and a cause for frustration with many. My question for you is what do you want to do with this one precious life? What are you willing to do to reach that goal? Retirement is one of the dynamic transitions that requires re-examination of who you are and how you want to be. It is hard to let go of a plan that has been part of a dream for several years but the first step to moving forward is letting go. What new plan can you come up with? What makes sense for you and your husband now? What actions are possible from a different perspective? I suggest you take an inward journey (with a coach) to explore your values and discover what you can commit to at this time. You may not be able to change the situation but you can control how you handle it. Explore living from the inside out and not the outside in. Your life needs to work for you, not someone else.

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