Catherine and her brother “father figure” Don
“Don was a half brother from my mom’s first marriage, but my two full brothers and I were close to him. He was like a father figure to me. I was in kindergarten when he went to college, and he took me in when I was 18 and moved to New York City.
“About seven years ago, he had rotator cuff surgery and a knee replacement. When he had blood tests for some minor surgery, the doctors discovered that his blood system was filled with a horrendous infection, so they removed the knee and put him on massive antibiotics. While in rehab he had a stroke, which no one there seemed to notice. And that started a whole new series of problems. He gradually lost his ability to speak; although he still could think (he was a genius). He couldn’t walk without the aid of a walker. He eventually developed Parkinson’s Disease.
“Don lived his health nightmare for six years. He and his wife, Tana, have an art gallery in lower Manhattan, where she took him every day. We called her ‘Angel Tana.’ When Don cut one of his fingers a few months ago, from a fall at home, he was taken to the hospital, where he developed MRSA, an infection that’s difficult to treat.
“Everything went downhill from there, really fast. He had to be fed intravenously when he lost his ability to swallow. He developed so much fluid in his lungs, he needed a machine to help him breathe, and he seemed to be in a weird, deep sleep. It was frightening to look at him. He had been the kind of man who got up every day and put on a tie. He wore Turnbull & Asser ties from London.
“If Don could have communicated, he would have said: ‘Get me out of this!’
“When I went to the hospital, I had a lot of intimate time with Tana. She is as sweet as sweet can be and always reminded me of a delicate flower.
“Do you pray?” I asked her.
“’Oh yes, I prayed for guidance and you came,’”
Tana answered.
“Don had a DNR (do not resuscitate order), and so Tana and I talked a lot about when she’d take Don off the breathing machine. It’s one thing to have a DNR, and another to execute it. The lessons I learned from Dr. Gamez at a similar moment with Hannah actually helped teach me how to talk to Tana and help her (and me) get through this. ‘Don’s not in a rush,’ I told her. ‘This is about you making the decision, in your own time, to do what’s best for the two of you.’
“When Tana made the decision to take Don off the machines that were keeping him alive, all the doctors showed up. They took off his breathing mask first, and then slowly removed all the tubes that were feeding him. The process takes a while since a number of doctors have to be involved, as well as the hospital’s legal department. And all the paperwork has to be organized and lined up. Once it started in motion, we insisted that we didn’t want Don to be in a bit of pain. That would have been devastating for all of us. So they put him on a morphine drip that made everything and everyone more comfortable.
“Then the death vigil begins. Before Don passed, a nurse washed him and combed his hair.
“It was Tana’s birthday. ‘Don gave me the most wonderful birthday gift he could ever give me. He no longer is in pain,’ she told me.”
Catherine’s Wise Advice
Catherine and her husband Jerry in Spain
“Jerry and I talk all the time now about whether we’re afraid to die. We’ve learned so many things from Bonnie’s, Hannah’s and Don’s experiences. You’ve got to live in the moment, go for what you’ve got to go for, since you could have only eight weeks left. Jerry and I started traveling more. We’ve been to Spain and Florida.
Also, appreciate the friends who you know will be there for you when you need them, when it’s time for you to leave. And, if you have adult children who aren’t married, they absolutely need a DNR order and a living will that determine who will speak for them if something happens to them.”