Do men cheat more on women over 50? Do women cheat on men just as often? Can anything be done about it? Dr. Lucena has the info on infidelity.
Infidelity. The word itself is powerful enough to cause sleepless nights; the act can easily break up a marriage. Infidelity may be the only issue where the suspicion alone can cause as much damage as the deed itself, and sometimes more. Does it have to be this way?
For FOF’s resident sex therapist, Dr. Williams Lucena, infidelity isn’t so much a malady as a symptom. Learning to effectively communicate with each other–not only in new ways, but in ways the two of you may have long forgotten–is both ounce of prevention and pound of cure.
- FOF: Why do men cheat on fabulous women over fifty like us?
- Dr. Lucena: Cheating is sometimes a symptom of something going on, or not going on in the relationship. When somebody–female or male–has the urge to look at someone else’s body, when they let someone else come into their mind and into their soul, something is incomplete in the relationship. Sometimes it’s a lack of communication or an established pattern of miscommunication. Sometimes there are questions about real love. Sometimes it’s just based on doubt, even though the love is really there.
- FOF: Why does this seem to happen so often at this stage in a marriage?
- Dr. Lucena: There are multiple reasons why someone would leave the door open. Some people have special needs that are not covered by the other person and they feel that they can’t talk about it. A lot of people slip into an attitude that says “We’ve been married 25 or 30 years, you know I love you, you know I’ve always taken care of you” and such. They assume that the other person knows how they feel. But people still need to hear that the other person loves them.
- FOF: How important is a good sex life in keeping infidelity away?
- People put too much pressure on sex in general. Sometimes to just lie naked with each other, caress each other, know the other person is next to you, can be equally important. Sometimes it’s just exploring each other. Sex is not just penetration; it’s exploring, touching, caressing, etc. to understand what part of my body is more sensitive, where do I get the most pleasure.
- FOF: What if a couple is having all this sex and one person still cheats? Is it due to the relationship? Or is it a defect in the person that cheats?
- There’s probably a need in the person that cheats. That person probably needs more and they feel they can’t talk about it. Men will say they’re cheating because this woman is doing something different. It’s very common. Perhaps the other woman is more active, or more enthusiastic. Sometimes they miss something you used to do when you were younger, but don’t do anymore.
- FOF: So the cheating isn’t about the sex life we’re having?
- These people are embracing the intimacy and communication. How do you see people cheating? A nice hotel, a nice bedroom, wine, a nice setting. They make a ritual of it. They prepare themselves for the other person. They get a haircut, wear special clothes. They try to be attractive. They’re trying to renew what they’ve lost with their wife or husband and feel like everything is new again.
- FOF: New again after all these years?
- Even if the person is the same person over and over, every day, there’s something different about that person to you. Something about them captures the attention, and probably always has. Through the years, in working and taking care of the kids, we forget about this stuff. All these wonderful details and beautiful moments we have together end up pushed away. We still need someone to look in our eyes, but we forget about it. All the everyday communication is about things like money, work, kids, the mortgage, tuition. So how can you go to bed with an erection, or a vagina that’s lubricated enough to be passionate?
- FOF: Can cheating be stopped before it starts?
- Get back to at least 30 minutes of intimacy every day. Just talk about yourselves–not the kids, not work. See what happens, without any pressure. Ask each other, what do I need in bed from you? Get back to the communication you used to have, before all these pressures. So you can feel like the woman that you are, and so he can remember the woman that he fell in love with.
Physician and PsychiatristDr. Williams Lucena is a physician and psychiatrist in Venezuela and a Florida Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC). He has worked in the mental health field for 22 years and received his certification in sex therapy at the Sex Therapy Training Institute in Miami, Florida.
Dr. Lucena has experience in Transactional Analysis, Psycho-Corporal Techniques and other Psycho-Dynamic approaches and works with individuals, couples and group and family therapies. He headed the Prior Authorization Adult Department at the Miami Behavioral Health Center and was Clinical Administrator at Royal Coast Mental Health Center, Miami, Florida.
Williams also provides consulting services for various mental health facilities. He is currently the President of the Brain & Behavioral Institute of South Florida, www.bbisf.com