Why Do FOFs Cheat?

Do men cheat more on women over 50? Do women cheat on men just as often? Can anything be done about it? Dr. Lucena has the info on infidelity.

ImageInfidelity. The word itself is powerful enough to cause sleepless nights; the act can easily break up a marriage. Infidelity may be the only issue where the suspicion alone can cause as much damage as the deed itself, and sometimes more. Does it have to be this way?

For FOF’s resident sex therapist, Dr. Williams Lucena, infidelity isn’t so much a malady as a symptom. Learning to effectively communicate with each other–not only in new ways, but in ways the two of you may have long forgotten–is both ounce of prevention and pound of cure.

  • FOF: Why do men cheat on fabulous women over fifty like us?
    • Dr. Lucena: Cheating is sometimes a symptom of something going on, or not going on in the relationship. When somebody–female or male–has the urge to look at someone else’s body, when they let someone else come into their mind and into their soul, something is incomplete in the relationship. Sometimes it’s a lack of communication or an established pattern of miscommunication. Sometimes there are questions about real love. Sometimes it’s just based on doubt, even though the love is really there.
  • FOF: Why does this seem to happen so often at this stage in a marriage?
    • Dr. Lucena: There are multiple reasons why someone would leave the door open. Some people have special needs that are not covered by the other person and they feel that they can’t talk about it. A lot of people slip into an attitude that says “We’ve been married 25 or 30 years, you know I love you, you know I’ve always taken care of you” and such. They assume that the other person knows how they feel. But people still need to hear that the other person loves them.
  • FOF: How important is a good sex life in keeping infidelity away?
    • People put too much pressure on sex in general. Sometimes to just lie naked with each other, caress each other, know the other person is next to you, can be equally important. Sometimes it’s just exploring each other. Sex is not just penetration; it’s exploring, touching, caressing, etc. to understand what part of my body is more sensitive, where do I get the most pleasure.
  • FOF: What if a couple is having all this sex and one person still cheats? Is it due to the relationship? Or is it a defect in the person that cheats?
    • There’s probably a need in the person that cheats. That person probably needs more and they feel they can’t talk about it. Men will say they’re cheating because this woman is doing something different. It’s very common. Perhaps the other woman is more active, or more enthusiastic. Sometimes they miss something you used to do when you were younger, but don’t do anymore.
  • FOF: So the cheating isn’t about the sex life we’re having?
    • These people are embracing the intimacy and communication. How do you see people cheating? A nice hotel, a nice bedroom, wine, a nice setting. They make a ritual of it. They prepare themselves for the other person. They get a haircut, wear special clothes. They try to be attractive. They’re trying to renew what they’ve lost with their wife or husband and feel like everything is new again.
  • FOF: New again after all these years?
    • Even if the person is the same person over and over, every day, there’s something different about that person to you. Something about them captures the attention, and probably always has. Through the years, in working and taking care of the kids, we forget about this stuff. All these wonderful details and beautiful moments we have together end up pushed away. We still need someone to look in our eyes, but we forget about it. All the everyday communication is about things like money, work, kids, the mortgage, tuition. So how can you go to bed with an erection, or a vagina that’s lubricated enough to be passionate?
  • FOF: Can cheating be stopped before it starts?
    • Get back to at least 30 minutes of intimacy every day. Just talk about yourselves–not the kids, not work. See what happens, without any pressure. Ask each other, what do I need in bed from you? Get back to the communication you used to have, before all these pressures. So you can feel like the woman that you are, and so he can remember the woman that he fell in love with.
Author
Dr. Williams Lucena
Physician and PsychiatristDr. Williams Lucena is a physician and psychiatrist in Venezuela and a Florida Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC). He has worked in the mental health field for 22 years and received his certification in sex therapy at the Sex Therapy Training Institute in Miami, Florida.

Dr. Lucena has experience in Transactional Analysis, Psycho-Corporal Techniques and other Psycho-Dynamic approaches and works with individuals, couples and group and family therapies. He headed the Prior Authorization Adult Department at the Miami Behavioral Health Center and was Clinical Administrator at Royal Coast Mental Health Center, Miami, Florida.

Williams also provides consulting services for various mental health facilities. He is currently the President of the Brain & Behavioral Institute of South Florida, www.bbisf.com

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11 Responses to “Why Do FOFs Cheat?”

  1. Cari says:

    I just would like to applaud the candid nature of both the writers of these articles centered around sexual encounter outside of the bonds of matrimony as well as those with the courage and tenacity to not only state their opinions, but also the willingness to share their personal experiences at the risk of personal vulnerability – however anonymous they may be (or think they may be). I feel that humans possess an enormous duplicity when it comes to their nature. We ARE, after all, undoubtedly biologically driven in that in our primal, animal-like instincts & behavior toward sex is inherent, with the desired end result of proliferating the species with the most ideal genetics – strong, competent offspring. The duplicity occurs due to our ability not only to be cognizant of our emotions, but analyze & rationalize them. And try as we may to remain objective, our current culture, including most organized religions, has successfully coupled sex with an underlying current of guilt & shame. I am impressed by some of the polar opposite comments having been stated, as it reinforces the notion that we are all individuals, thus the attitudes and opinions should so reflect.
    In simpler terms: ‘different strokes for different folks’… (oh, & no pun intended). I thank everyone for having shared their own particular feelings. And I also doubly thank those who do not attempt to shove their personal dogma down anyone else’s throats!

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  2. myomy1959 says:

    I have been a cheater. It was exciting, dangerous and fun. No denying it, but I married (the 1st time) right out of high school at my parents strong request and against my better judgement because he was a deadbeat (did I say I was 18 yrs old), not an excuse, just an explanation. I’m on my 2nd marriage, w/2 children and a husband who cheated on me (karma), not good on the receiving end. I feel more emotionally unstable that when I was 18, I know I can and will survive, but I can’t bring myself to leave because of the children.

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  3. splendidCollette says:

    these below are all excellent comments & I appreciate your thoughts very much.

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  4. cobrateacher says:

    Cheating happens when needs are not met. A couple who share mutual respect can talk things through and get at the root of any discomforts they might have, then find solutions. Both are willing if that respect for one another is strong and genuine.

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  5. bonschneid@gmail.com says:

    because they can or because their fathers did or because our fathers did (we tend to marry our fathers).

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  6. jjosemans says:

    I understand the philosphy of forgiving and letting go, however my experience with cheaters is that they will defintely cheat again – it almost like they can’t help themselves and they feel horrible afterwards. This doesn’t make up for the fact that they cheat and I personally find it difficult to forget let along forgive

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  7. merrittinmartinez says:

    The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Just make sure it isn’t AstroTurf.

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  8. drsusan32 says:

    I’ve seen what cheating does to others and am just thankful that it hasn’t happened to me. I would never think of cheating on my husband.

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  9. belindabg says:

    Cheating on a longtime spouse just doesn’t ‘happen’; a man or woman doesn’t just ‘wake up’ one day and ‘decide’ to have an affair or to go outside the marriage for sex or closeness with someone else. As for who is to ‘blame’, both partners always carry some of the responsibility for the breakdown in communication that caused their needs to be neglected. A new partner outside of the marriage is a thrill, it’s someone NEW, they are INTERESTED in you, they LISTEN to you, they CARE about you, and the ego boost you get from this is impossibly magnetic in many cases. Also, many women (and men as well) have hearts that are crying out to be noticed, appreciated, acknowledged, and loved – just for who they are, not necessarily for what they do in the marriage. For men, neglect often manifests itself in an affair, because men equate sex with love – and the attention they receive from a ‘new’ woman, someone who is ‘interested’ in them, is IRRESISTIBLE. Many times the new woman is less attractive than the wife at home, but she’s INTERESTED in them! Surviving infidelity is never easy, but it can be done IF both partners are willing and able to recommit to the primary relationship and put it before everything else in life, including children, jobs, and the rest of the mundane things that sidetracked it in the first place.
    Remember, the most important relationship you have, after the ones with yourself and your God, is the one with your partner – not your children, they grow up and LEAVE YOU eventually. Not your friends, they also come and go. Not your job, it’s just how you earn a living, not your LIFE.
    If more women would remember to put their primary relationship FIRST, and work diligently to do this, there would be far fewer men cheating, even on FOF’s. It’s not an age-related problem; it’s an INTIMACY problem.
    I know – I’ve been on both sides of this over the years. I’ve been the ‘wife’, and I’ve been the ‘other woman’ – and there is ALWAYS a reason within the PRIMARY RELATIONSHIP that leads to infidelity.
    Look WITHIN before you place blame – on the other woman or on your partner. Within the relationship you’ll find your answer…

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  10. wgatoor says:

    cheating happens when there is lack of confidence,lack of self respect & respect for their partner,cheating act is an animal instinct act & not real love…
    cheating is a cowered way of getting to know yourself and your partner..
    must learn to be honest with yourself , emotion , absolutely no lies to your self and your partner…
    marriage is very hard always spend time to understand each others feeling..we all need a little attention here and there..
    the bad thing about it if there are any childern in the pix, & see their parents behavior & out come of it .. perhaps a bitter divorce and separation.. we are showing them you do not have to work on your behavior .
    on the last note. i also consider cheating on spouse is a form of emotional abuse, a bad scar in ones life.

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  11. Bhdancegirl says:

    I’m not an apologist for anyone’s bad behavior, but I noticed your picture of Michael Douglas and the statement that he cheated on his wife, Diandra, with his now wife, Catherine Zeta-Jones.
    Douglas was separated from his wife before he began his relationship with Jones. His 23-year marriage was fraught with many separations and problems, not the least of which was his philandering. She brought many problems to the marriage as well. That being said, he did not “cheat” with Zeta-Jones.

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