{Bedroom Confessions} “The sex is gone”

Last month, we gave 12 FOF couples or singles the chance to win one of Sinclair Institute’s outstanding sex education videos. Sinclair has been helping people rev up their sex lives since 1991 and  is the leading source of sexual health products and videos in the United States.  Its Better Sex Video Series® has sold over four million videos in over 30 countries. Featuring real couples in loving and committed relationships, the videos explain and show us the stuff that turns them–and will turn you–ON!

We asked contest entrants which video they would most like to win. Then, we interviewed the winners–asking them to “bare all” about their sex lives. After they receive and watch the video of their choice, we will follow up and publish the interview here on the SEXcellent blog.

Below, is our fifth installment–an interview with FOF Nancy D.* (name has been changed to protect her privacy.)

“Great Sex for a Lifetime” would be a start and a relationship saver. We need to rekindle the romance and the sex drive. –Nancy D.

Are you married?

No, but I am with someone. We’ve been together for 10 years and we live together. We’ve known each other for 40 years.

How did you meet 40 years ago?
Through mutual friends. I think it was my roommate’s sister and brother-in-law who introduced us.

How old are the two of you?
I’m 60 and he’ll turn 62 soon. I have to say I don’t look my age. I don’t wear glasses, I have all my teeth and I don’t have grey hair.

Do you have children?
We both have grown children from previous marriages. I have a son who is 39 and he has two boys who are in their 30’s.

What kind of work do you do?
I work in education.

Does your partner work?
He’s an engineer, but is now semi-retired because of health issues.

How do you enjoy your spare time together?
We go to car cruises.* One year for Christmas he bought me a 1974 VW Super Beetle. We also have a pool and we enjoy having our grand kids over. We also adopted two dogs. They’re rescues.

* For any of you who don’t have the foggiest idea what a car cruise is, here’s the lowdown: “A meeting of car enthusiasts, at a predetermined location, organized predominantly through the Internet.”

You said you want to rekindle the romance. What happened to it?
We kind of lost the romance. He used to give me gifts. He use to woo me. Everything is very familiar now, we’re past the discovery stage.

Do you ever have spontaneous nights out or any romantic evenings?
No, he has gotten to be a real homebody. An old stick in the mud. It’s boring. He’d rather stay home and watch Fox TV or tend to his garden. I prefer going out to movies, plays, and flea markets.

Have you tried to get him interested in a romantic night or an evening out?
I haven’t in awhile. I don’t push it anymore. I just leaves things as they are.

What did you do this past Valentine’s day?
He made me a card and made dinner.

How often do you have sex?
We haven’t had sex in almost three to four years. He had a seizure four years ago, while at the drugstore, and since then he lives in fear of having another one.

Did he see a doctor?
He didn’t mention the sex to the doctor. He’s very private and he doesn’t want to say anything.

Did he ever try Viagra?
He took Viagra and it gave him a headache, so he didn’t take anymore. He was totally incapacitated. He thought he was going to have a stroke. He does have high blood pressure. A side effect to the blood pressure medication is E D. He was recently given a lower dosage, but it didn’t change the situation. I think the problem is more mental than physical.

Have you talked about it? Did you tell him how you feel?
Yes, we talked about it. He says we’re old and I told him that I’m not dead yet.

Does he want to have sex?
He says yes, but I think he’s afraid of failure.

Has he ever explained his fear of failure to you?
No, he hasn’t. I’ve known him for so long, it’s just something I sense.

What kind of guy is he?
I couldn’t ask for a better guy. He helps around the house, makes dinner.

Have you tried oral sex?
No, I think he has given up. He used to be the most open person, but now he’s closed in.

Do you use a vibrator?
I bought one and it was huge. It wasn’t going to work in a bag in the underwear drawer. I actually bought him a penis pump, but he threw it away. He tried it, but said it was painful.

What was your sex life like before he had the health issues?
It was great, great sex. Spontaneous and fun. Sometimes we had sex several times a night. It was great.

You went from having sex every day to nothing?
There was some after the seizure, but it was sporadic and then it dwindled off to nothing.

Does he ever try to stimulate you with his hands?
He used to, but not anymore. I lost track, but it’s probably been about three years since he tried to stimulate me. I never asked him to help me have an orgasm.

How did this make you feel?
I was very resentful. I thought maybe there was someone else.

Do you think he had an affair?
No, I don’t. There’s no way.

Did you ever think of having an affair?
No, I don’t want to plus it would crush him. I don’t want to be with anyone else.

Do you ever try to turn him on?
Not recently, no. It has been a while. After the seizure I would, but then he just wasn’t interested.

How often do you bring up sex or talk about it?
It used to be a lot, but not too often now. Basically it has fizzled out.

What do you hope the Sinclair Institute sex videos will provide for the two of you?
I am hoping it will make him want to find out what the root of the problem is and find a remedy for it. He has resigned himself to being old. The sex is gone and the romance is gone. There is no more spark.

22 Responses to “{Bedroom Confessions} “The sex is gone””

  1. Mary says:

    Margaret’s story is very similar to ours…I was 20 and he was 30 when we met in 1964 and married shortly after we met. We were very much in love, and still are. We always had really great sex often. We have three grown children and six grandchildren. In 2000, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer, and had external radiation, seed implants, and lupron for one year…(which is chemical castration). .We were hopeful that after a year we could resume activity..That never happened, he tried viagra, the pump, nothing worked..He was deeply depressed, but would not talk about sex. I tried to, but he felt so bad, that we stopped talking…Then the cancer came back four years later, and he had “salvage surgery”, which was disastrous…It caused a fistula…a hole between his anus and bladder…He had a catheter in for a year…Then came diapers and the hip surgery, and carpal tunnel surgeries that were the result of the lupron that he had taken earlier., and now shoulders that are excruciating pain almost constantly We have not had any type of sex for fourteen years.but in light of all his problems I have accepted our lives have changed forever, and try to find fun things for us to do…Now we dont talk about sex at all…The diapers and depression have taken over his life..This from a vibrant funny handsome sexy lovable man. When we are out, everyone says how great he looks, and he does! No where near his age…I still love him dearly, but his depression, short temper, and the pain medicine that he takes daily , has changed him drastically. I know this wont help anyone, but somehow, I feel better just writing this sad story down.. Now, actually, this morning we just found out that the cancer has reared its ugly head again. Well, he has been fighting it for almost fourteen years, so no sex tape will help us…that is for sure…The only thing that saves my sanity is my faith, my art, and my family and friends..

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  2. Margaret says:

    This story sounds very much like my husband’s and mine. When he died last year, we hadn’t had been intimate in more than eight years. The results of his illnesses and medications resulted in severe depression. The anti-depressant worked but then he would stop taking it. Even though I asked him to, he never mentioned his ED and low libido to his doctors. He too was very private. Shortly before he died, he told me how much he loved me and appreciated that he was the better man for having me in his life. We had been married for 32 years. Until his depression took over our lives, I could say the same about him. I was careful not to say hurtful things but he became so sensitive about the things he could no longer do, that no matter what I said irritated him. Inside my resentment grew but I tried my best to remain cheerful and upbeat. That also irritated him. My grief counselor said that I have been living in a state of grief for almost nine years. I still miss the real him so much. When I read the FOF offer about the tapes, I cried. It was too late for us. There is no one in my life now to view them with me and to care about me that way. At age 76, it’s highly unlikely there ever will be again. To all you FOFs who have a similar situation going on in your life, do whatever needs doing to change it. The money it may cost doesn’t mean a damn thing compared to the loss and frustration you are experiencing now or the very real pain you or your partner will feel as the survivor of your relationship.

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