Some of us have houses far larger than we need, but would never dream of inviting an aging parent to live with us. Others wouldn’t dream of having dad or mom live anywhere else, even if we had to sacrifice our own comforts. Sometimes, it’s just plain impossible to take care of the physical and emotional needs of an elderly parent, no matter how much we want to care for them under our own roof.
Sixteen members of the FabOverFifty community tell us what it was like to have their folks move in, why they wouldn’t think of it, or why they actually might move in with them.
“My mother knows that when she is ready she has a place with me. She loves her independence, and right now is still active enough to be on her own. I travel with her as the ‘baggage carrier’.”
“Absolutely without a doubt. To me it’s the life cycle of family! I did care for my father and it wasn’t a walk in the park. However, the rewards and love far outweigh anything I could have imagined! Unfortunately, my mother passed when I was a child. I often think what it would be like living with her and caring for her! Both of us such opinionated women but quick to learn and face challenges.”
“No, with the facilities my elderly family members live in, they are better able to provide care than I am. I am not physically able to lift anyone in and out of the tub, change their diapers, make sure all the meals they get are calorically/nutritionally balanced, and account for all the interactions with meds at the same time. I can’t provide group entertainment everyday with others of their age with whom they have common interests. I don’t have someone to stay with them when I go out grocery shopping etc. I would never forgive myself if something happened where I went out and they turned on the stove to make tea, forgot they did, and started a house fire, which happened to someone I know. Dementia can be dangerous. It’s not selfish, sometimes it’s just not the responsible and correct thing to do.”
3 Responses to “Would You Invite Your Aging Parents To Live With You?”
Tired Gramma says:
Oh boy… I thank GOD my Father is doing SUPER at his age.. he is 90 and still going strong. SO well… and he lives with my single Sister. In another state! So hard to think… of ME getting old and crippled. IF I had been in the position to take in my parents.. I would have but I’d of been weeping. My folks are super critical. As a teen, I counted off the days til I turned 18 to move right out. And far away. I made it a huge point in my life to NOT be like them with my children. It worked because I have all of them saying MOM you can live with ME if you need to…. because it is approaching… on the horizon. They do not say the same to their father because he has become a bad alcoholic and so weird in his declining years. NO one wants to put up with him. Only me.. I feel obligated? Grateful for the good years? Whatever. But when you do not have nice parents… oh how awful to think of them being in your house!!!! Yikes
Lol, my father told me that if anything happened to my mom, he was moving in with me. That was fine with me. He ended up passing 1st and I invited my mom to live with me. She refused and went to an independent living facility.Her mom lived with us growing up and for a time my dad’s mom did too. I always regretted that she didn’t move in. Actually, I think it would have been easier. I hated dealing with the facility. You have to watch them like a hawk. I called every night, ran errands, and visited often as did Some of my other siblings.
Dinni Bryan Kubala says:
I took in my parents when my father, with Parkinson’s with dementia could no longer drive. My mother had health issues but no dementia. I learned from the Area Agency on Aging and an Elder Attorney that it is a huge mistake. When my father’s dementia got worse and my mother’s mind was getting compromised, the danger to themselves and us, was very scary. I could write a book on what went on. My father needed to be in a dementia unit of a facility for his and our safety. But he and my mother said he didn’t need it, even though their doctor advised me to do it. Legally, I was told that if they said they didn’t want to leave, it was their home because it was their address, and I could not force them. I would have had to get an attorney, at my cost, and go to court to prove incompetency and the danger. That would take months and lots of money. I asked the professionals if I had to wait until they burned up or blew up my house before I could do something….they said unfortunately, that’s the law. I tell everyone I can this story, because a lot of people do not realize it, until it’s too late. NEVER allow your parents to move in. There are many other options.