My husband is a wonderful man and good friend when sober, but he clocks out of life regularly with binge drinking and seems unable to stop though he wants to. No AA in our town. I get angry and feel let down every time, though try to remain calm. How can I get this situation to change?
11 Answers
tksinclair wrote on :
Jane…the key here is “when sober”….Are you spending your life walking on egg shells waiting for the other shoe to drop? (or for the next binge?) Never knowing what will set him off? Afraid to do certain things because it might cause him to drink? If that’s part of your thinking…(you can’t cause him to drink by the way) YOU are the one who needs help. You can’t help him if he doesn’t want help but YOU CAN GET HELP…call a counseler that has experience with spouses of alcoholics. FREE YOURSELF from walking on egg shells all the time. You may learn new coping skills, you need and deserve this support my dear Jane.
Please do this FOR YOU? You can’t change him…but you can change how you feel about the situation…what you DO about it and don’t waste another day. Make the decision NOW to spend 6-12 months in counseling to decide IF this is how you should spend your life…but you can’t figure it out yourself now because you’ve spent time enabling and sometimes it’s just easier to carry on with things the way they’ve been because it might seem too hard to change them…this is why you need SUPPORT and HELP. Consider the counsel like an objective friend that’s JUST FOR YOU! You deserve this….PLEASE…do this ONE THING FOR YOU. I know, I’ve been there…I promise you the first step will be hard…you may have to force yourself to do it..but that’s okay…just DO IT…
ROBINKILGOS wrote on :
Jane99
We cannot change other people…the only thing we can do is change ourselves. I am a recovering alcoholic and co-dependent. I strongly advice you to seek out an Al-anon meeting for yourself. You can learn tools to help cope with having a practicing alcoholic in your life. AA and Al-anon work…they work for me and many others. Good luck!
avonlady wrote on :
I know that some churches have AA meetings and or Al-Anon. Maybe you can check this out as a possible solution.
tumblewind wrote on :
I am part of an alcohol recovery group that has great on-line discussions if no meeting is in your area. After 25 years of AA, it wasn’t the solution for me, so I tried this insurance-supported alternative: http://www.smartrecovery.org/. Many of us have found our solutions through this approach, or through combining both programs. If your husband truly does want to stop his binge drinking, see if he will try looking into this or AA and you work on helping yourself at the same time. Good luck; you are not alone – you both have help out there.
Geri Brin wrote on :
if there’s no AA close by, I’d recommend that he see a therapist who specializes in alcohol abuse. You are not going to get him to change; only he can do that, but he must be willing to seek help from a professional or a group. AA is so successful because alcohol and drug addicts find solace and support from others in their situation.
Karen Canning-Millar wrote on :
Actions create “situations” and reactions influence “change.” If you expect the situation to change focus on how your husband’s drinking makes you feel and what you can do to change that (not be around him when he drinks, not allow drinking in your home, not be there when he’s back to his “wonderful” self, get counseling, etc.). While you cannot stop him from drinking, how you react to his drinking may influence his behavior and bring about change. Courage friend.
carolyn mirabella wrote on :
Dear Jane 99
my suggestion is to find the nearest AA and the family support group that goes with AA, even if you have to travel. If your husband won’t attend, then please find a support group for yourself. It may come to the point where you have to decide if you can live with this situation or need to leave. Prayers for you both.
MsBetsyKarp wrote on :
Hi Jane 99,
What I would suggest is to ask your husband that the two of you do a cleanse for a month. That you really are feeling tired and want to have more energy and you read that if you stop drinking for 30 days it will shift your energy and whole outlook, help your health and here you are asking him to do something for you , and you need to do this as a team…. See if that helps and maybe if a month is to long try for a week… I hope this helps…be***@******me.com
Marty Chiaravelotti wrote on :
Dear Jane, AA may not be in your town, however, I would recommend that you contact someone involved with Al Anon. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Someone there will be able to offer you guidance and support. Wishing you the best.
Marylyn Haspel wrote on :
I am so sorry you have to go through this. If your husband is able to admit that he has a drinking problem, that is a huge step. The first step would be to then recommend that he consult with a doctor with whom he is comfortable and get a recommendation for a good therapist who specializes in substance abuse. If the situation reaches critical mass, you may have to utilize some tough love–in other words, say that you must separate, and mean it–unless he gets the help he needs. Many insurances will cover the cost of the counseling. You are not alone, but ultimately it is up to him.
sexyoversixty wrote on :
Hi Jane99..A couple of things…Have the two of you sat down to discuss what is bothering him when he is that wonderful sober man who is a good friend of yours? Has he always been a drinker? Jane, if he is unable to get a handle on his drinking then you may have to get some coaching to help you deal with it and maybe by example he may stop. Please let me know how you make out.