DrupalWomenQ-#6733

I am 59 and my husband is 72. We are happy, cuddle and love each other but haven’t had sex in a few years. We don’t even talk about it. Neither one of us seems to miss it. Anyone else like this?

29 Answers

  1. Fancy Cat wrote on :

    We’re in a different situation due to surgery for prostate cancer. Overnight we went from sex twice a week to just cuddling. We’re still intimate in other ways but its still always on his mind. He is depressed about it and I’m just fighting to stay positive and keep him upbeat and healthy.

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  2. avonchick07 wrote on :

    My husband and I have been married going on 41 years, we are both 61 we have not had sex in over 5 years and we do not even cuddle.

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  3. norma.byrd.45437 wrote on :

    Gosh, after reading all these letters now I feel a little weird. At 76 I still enjoy sex but it may have something to do with having younger male friends. I think when I get old I may change of course. I hope not for awhile. But I do agree that no one should feel pressured just because it’s a societal concept that if you don’t want sex, it means something is wrong with you. Not so at all. We’re all wired differently and that makes the world much more interesting!

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    • nidradeb wrote on :

      I’m with you, Norma.byrd. I am newly divorced after a 25 year marriage where sex was a psychological power struggle. After working on improving my mental health for the past two years through meditation, psychotherapy, nutrition, exercise, I find I am very much enjoying sex with the new man in my life. I found that many of us shut down the sexual part of ourselves for very psychological reasons. Sex is often a symptom and rarely a cause of a problem in a relationship.

      Now, this is not necessarily relevant to Barbie’s post – couples in a mature, happy marriage might naturally move to a different level of intimacy as their love grows and that may or may not include sex. As long as we maintain awareness of ourselves and our partners and enjoy honest open communications, love can flourish in many forms.

      Reply
  4. Marcia Mason wrote on :

    I’m in the same situation, but honestly I think my husband still wants sex. He’s useless at it, and it doesn’t please me at all, but I guess it’s my duty to perform (twice a year?) or so I’ve been told. I’m happy with a hug, but my vamp days are long gone, and I don’t miss it. When you think about sex it displaces everything else in your mind, and I’m too busy for the distraction.

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  5. Robin Caracino wrote on :

    My husband and I are the happiest couple we know, married 25 years. People site our marriage as an example of happily ever after. We haven’t had sex in a decade, and neither of us miss it. We kiss and cuddle… and he still chases me around the house. We dance in the kitchen. Don’t believe it when people tell you that you need sex for a satisfying marriage. We are so much more than just friends!

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  6. Rhiannon wrote on :

    I too am in this situation. I am 62 my husband 66. We have no had sex in years and to be honest I misss it. I would atleast like to make love every few months. that Part of me has no died. It make me so sad that the Later part of my life is being unfulfilled. Talking to him has not worked- he days he isn’t inteested. At this point even if he did try to make love to me I could’nt relax. I would feel like he’s “doing me a favor” . It hurts.

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    • owlwoman wrote on :

      It’s nice to know there are other women in the same boat, I feel the same way as Rhiannon, but I’m 55, husband is 73. I also tried to talk to him, but he’s made the decision the bottle is more important than me. Then, he can’t understand why I’ve basically stopped talking to him….I feel like I’m in a mid-life crisis and have to make some big decisions.

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    • fherzig wrote on :

      I am 61. My husband and I have been together for 13 years and married 7 of those years. He is younger than I by 11 years. We had an amazing love life until around 2 years ago when he started having a variety of difficulties: leg cramps, couldn’t stay erect, tingling in his penis, etc. We still have sex about once a week, but I cannot enjoy it thinking that he’ll either cramp, go soft or feel pain. I miss this very important part of my life more than I can say. He has finally agreed to go to a doctor. I do not want to let this part of my life go. Although we also cuddle, kiss, share our thoughts and dreams; it is simply not the same thing as physical desire. It has become the elephant in the room for us. Sad, so sad.

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  7. Patricia Assanowicz wrote on :

    yes i miss the sex we used to have, but i miss the closeness more, i also started to think that as a woman i was thinking on a more emotional level, and to me that is what the whole situation is about, emotions, when i had to ask my husband if he still loves me he said “of course i do” then i asked him “are you IN LOVE with me” there is a difference, maybe a small difference, i told him, i love my animals, my colthes, etc, but i am not in love with them, he is polish/russian a tartar he came to this country with his wife and 2 small children in his 20’s we are both 57 now., they have been divorced for around 18 years now, she cheated on him, if you have ever been cheated on, as i have in the past, that is a hurt that seems to play a part in other relationships, we got married and on our honeymoon night i bought a beautiful sexy outfit, on our way back from newport r.i. where we were married he stopped and rented a video we got home he stayed downstairs watched the movie and i was upstairs waiting for him in my outfit, i was never married and to this day it still hurts, i guess all the stories i have heard i thought the honeymoon night was suposed to be our night, i talked to him and again he said i was reading too much into this, he and i had to sit down and talk, i refuse to be in an empty relationship/marriage, i explained things were different in the beginning now when he leaves most times i do not even know he left for work, i told him what i missed, the little things, like a kiss goodbye a hug, now he does it and he told me we are a team and he is in love with me, after menopause my sex drive dropped and so did his, he may be experiencing problems that to him are to embarrising to talk about, i dont know, i now am seeing that he did listen to me about the little things and how women deal alot on emotions and men more logical mixed with emotions, pride plays a part too. when i understood where he came from and his tartar russian influences they are very strong men and opening up to a woman is not easy, his ex is also a polish/tarter and he told me those woman know their place and never question their men, i responded by saying you married a very strong american woman that speaks her mind when something is wrong, my place was set when i was little, so he wants to work on our different cultures, not easy although he told me he does not want to lose me and will try to open up. i want to thank all of you great strong ladies that responded, having a place you can trust with your most private feelings and speak to women you have never met is great. thank you again, and yes all of your responses are very valuable to me, it is amazing how may woman are going through the same things, have a great day, you have helped me alot.

    Reply
    • Barbara Hollenbeck wrote on :

      I too have been in a relationship where cheating occurred. It may be forgiven, but it’s never forgotten. Therefore, every time I have a “mis-trust” moment, I suffer. (not him)
      Last week I finally had had enough and wrote to this forum about not have sex/or his getting oral sex, but not even trying to please me.
      We had a long talk about intimacy after some of the Guru & member responses I received. They were mostly about keeping communication open and honest. It helped a lot.
      Unless your spouse KNOWS what’s bothering you (he’s not a mind reader), you can’t fix or adjust anything.
      Nothing gets changed overnight, but now we’re working on it. This forum has helped me a lot. I hope others feel the same way.

      Reply
  8. deereemp wrote on :

    Your story is exactly like mine, My husband is 79 and I am 62. We have been married for 38 years. In the early days we were intamite all the time, but now as you are, we never have sex and neither misses it. I still love him dearly and would never cheat on him.

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  9. Lake Gal wrote on :

    I agree with everyone’s answers on here, but here is a side note. When my husband first stopped being so ‘passionate’, I went thru the normal, Is it me? syndrome, only to find out (he asked his dr. about it and had a simple test done) that my husbands testosterone levels had dropped (very normal as men get older). His doctor prescribed a testosterone cream that he applied to his chest once a day. The reason I’m mentioning this is because we had a bad experience with it. Yes, his sex drive went up, but it also caused terrible mood swings in him and after about 3 weeks, he became very agitated, to the point of always wanting to start fights, etc. So we both decided this is not what we wanted to deal or live with, and he discontinued the medication. Now we are both happy, content and if we don’t have sex for a few months, NBD. He still is and always be my best friend, and isn’t that whats most important? (married 34 years and still counting)

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    • Karen Livingston wrote on :

      I find myself in a similar situation, but sincerely, ladies, don’t you miss feeling sexy, passionate and “in love?’ I would like to once again feel that passion before I hit the grave.

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    • barbara bollettieri wrote on :

      Hi klivings49:
      I still do feel “in love” but unfortunately at 59 my sex drive is almost non-existent. Truthfully, it really doesn’t bother me. Also, I still do feel sexy in a different way. I try to keep myself looking good (with a little help here and there) and when I feel I look good I do feel sexy. Of course it’s not the same but I am content. My husband just patted me on the butt this morning before I left for work. That made me feel good. I do look at young couples and see the passion in their relationship and sometimes it makes me feel sad. But I know I had that kind of relationship for many, many years. I feel now it is there turn. If they are lucky, they will get to our stage in life someday and feel the same way. It’s the circle of life. (lol)

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    • shellyleer wrote on :

      YES! I do miss it, alot.

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  10. Patricia Assanowicz wrote on :

    Yes, it has been about 3 or 4 years with no sex, we have been married 9 years, at first we had great passion, i cannot put my finger on the reason why things stopped, also we sleep in different bedrooms, that started because laying together at night we did not like the same programs on tv so i went into the other bedroom, i know sounds strange, that is how we relaxed after work and dinner, watching tv for awhile, things never went back to the way they were, sometimes i feel as though i have a room mate instead of a husband, i brought it up one night and asked if he still loves me and why we are not being passionate anymore, his answer was “stop being crazy, see what your doing to yourself, your creating a problem that is not here???? WHAT?? dont know how to read into this, anyone have an answer, i sure can use the truth.

    Reply
    • shellyleer wrote on :

      Same. We started sleeping in different rooms due to snoring. I also feel like we’re kind of like roommates, saying “Goodnight” and then closing the bedroom door. I thought I was probably the only married woman my age doing this.

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    • Mary Timmons wrote on :

      Boy can I relate to this one……My husband rattles the walls with his snoring. We also sleep in separate rooms…you are definately not alone.

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  11. Rockyred wrote on :

    I’m not currently in a relationship, but I just have to applaud all you, first Barbie for posting the question and all the other ladies who replied. You are all amazing and just another example of how totally cool it is to be a part of FOF. FOF’s are so honest…..I love being a woman and a FOF woman!!!!! Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this topic as I would bet my paycheck this is far MORE common than not. Take care all and big hugs!

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  12. MARIA AUSTIN wrote on :

    OMG…this letter could have come from me! I am 59 and my husband is 70, we too are in this type of relationship but it is not due by choice but due to injury to surgergy he had. I love him and after 41 years of marriage I can honestly say that we were lucky to have 35 years of a very sex-full marriage. Do I miss it, yes. Would I rather have sex and not my husband, no! Cuddling is great, touching is better, loving is best.

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  13. maxine kell wrote on :

    I had a transplant 4 years ago and I am on a mega amount of medication that negatively affects my sex drive. My husband also takes medication that affects his sex drive. We are still intimate with each other in other ways. We also cuddle just like the 2 of you. We have a lot of fabulous memories that we share on occasion. Someimes there are life altering situations that we didn’t ask for but have to live with.

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  14. Jodie Fitzgerald wrote on :

    I agree, My husband and I have sex about twice a year… We laugh, We shop, We travel, We ride bikes, We hike, We kiss, We cuddle , We communicate … Sometimes we will start to have sex and begin laughing… It’s like we have to down grade our spirits to a physical level and it seem so ??? so…. funny to start moaning ?

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    • barbara bollettieri wrote on :

      Thanks Jodie for your comments. My husband an I also share a lot of activities together. Among other things, we vacation and spend time with our children and grandchildren. To be perfectly honest I do not have any sex drive at this point in my life and my husband doesn’t seem to have much either. The last time we tried to be intimate, which was about a year ago, it wasn’t too successful. So since then we haven’t tried again. I know there are things he and/or I could take to try to rekindle our sexual drive but we both are o.k. with the way things are. We still say I love you and give each other romantic cards. We had many years of a great sex life but now I believe they are just wonderful memories that will never be forgotten.

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    • shellyleer wrote on :

      I can relate to this. I’m so relieved to hear others are in this phase.

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  15. Geri Brin wrote on :

    I agree wholeheartedly with Staness and Bearbara. You are blessed to be happy and in love.

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  16. Barbara Phelps wrote on :

    Yup! I am 52 and my husband is 74. I don’t think we have had sex in about 5 or 6 years, but it’s not the big deal anymore. Love is more much more than sex and cuddling, touching, loving talk and FEELING the love is so much deeper than physical sex ever could be. Intimacy is so much more than physical sex or touching. You are blessed to have each other and be in love! Enjoy! I do!

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    • barbara bollettieri wrote on :

      Thanks bearbara and all who responded to my post. Although, I do not need validation it is comforting to know that my husband and I are not the only ones who are in a loving, happy relationship sans sex. It is so true that our culture has become so sex-oriented that it is probably also true that people who are in sexual relationships feel pressure as well. IMO, computer porn is one of modern day evils today. How can the average couple possibly live up to all the hype? Just saying…….Thanks again.

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  17. Staness Jonekos wrote on :

    Bravo for being honest about your sex drive. It is common for both sexes to see a decline in libido as we age. We live in a highly sexualized society, and that puts pressure on so many people as we get older. If both partners are happy — not having sex or having less than before — then there is no problem!

    Have fun cuddling and loving each other – sounds good to me!

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