I am 54 my hubby is 46. We have been married 19 yrs.He has been disability retired for about the last 4 years. Several problems, heart, back, sinus.yo name it. He has lost his “feeling’s for itimancy”. I have not. I feel so lonely and need affection. Wine has become my best friend. Help!

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4 Answers

  1. Pamela Glover wrote on :

    Just wanted you to know that Hubby & I had a date night this past friday. We ordered pizza, watched a movie…and made out. :-). I think he knew I was serious..and he had better “step it up”. I feel better, but I hope he keeps it up. I’m not going to remind him that “friday” is our date night. We will see what happen next week. 🙂

  2. CandidaRoyalle wrote on :

    I agree with Dr Ginger, Pamela. Especially about being affectionate with each other. It’s important not to give up the feeling of closeness and to give each other physical touch as you try to work this out together. I would second the advice about seeking out a good sex therapist, and AASECT.org is indeed an excellant place to find one in your area. It’s important to remember that the one primary thing that separates a relationship between a husband and a wife – or any significant intimate relationship – is the sexual connection. We can have many close friends and family in our lifetime, but it’s the intimate bond that connects us in that special way. There are couples who, as they age, are fine with gradually letting go of that aspect of their relationship, and as long as it’s mutual and they remain connected in other loving ways, it can work. But this seems not to be the case with you, and you shouldn’t be forced in to it. Your husband needs to understand that your needs are healthy and normal and he needs to acknowledge this and work with you in finding a solution. In the meantime, I would urge you to not lose that connection with yourself. As you go through the process of, as Dr Ginger also suggested, having a discussion with your physician about medications – Doctors are notoriously ill-informed about the effects some meds can have on our sexuality – and also finding a good sex therapist to work with, you should consider taking time to provide yourself with pleasure. That can mean getting a regular full body massage from a professional massage therapist, and especially finding ways to remain sexually active by yourself. Don’t try to numb yourself out with wine, keep your healthy desire flowing. Take a luxurious beauty bath while reading some good erotica and caress yourself and rediscover the feel of your own body, perhaps buy yourself one of the many new high-end vibrators on the market now. THere are many lovely woman-friendly lines such as my own, called Natural Contours, or the lovely Leilo line, or the amusing Rub My Ducky vibes. Use a good Kegel Exerciser like the Natural Contours ENERGIE to maintain your vaginal health so that when your husband does come around and understands that he can not ignore your needs, you’ll be ready for sexual activity. It’s important for women our age because as we go through hormonal changes, if we don’t remain sexually active, even at least through self-pleasuring, we can experience changes in our vaginal health that can lead to discomfort with intercourse. Finally, your husband may need to learn that intercourse is not the only way to pleasure a woman. With a sense of creativity, a good collection of pleasing sex toys and learning how to use his hands, there are many ways he can bring you pleasure. He may, once he commits to stepping up and resuming his husbandly duties, even discover ways of sexual play he never knew about and that might bring him levels of pleasure and intimacy he never experienced. Good luck!

  3. DrGinger wrote on :

    Wow, Pamela, sounds like you’ve had a time of it. We often hear about problems with low desire in women, but the reality is that men have difficulty, too, at different times in their lives. Before you find your comfort at the bottom of a wine bottle, here are some ideas that might help you find answers.
    First off–you, your hubby, and the physician need to have a heart-to-heart. It could be medication or even the physical ailment itself that is causing his loss of desire. The problem might be solved with a medication adjustment or addition, but a consult with the physician is important to make that determination, so this is my first recommendation. If that doesn’t do the trick, a sex therapist is someone who can help you find ways to communicate about the problem, as well as interventions that might be helpful to you. A sex therapist has least a master’s degree and has been trained to deal with this very sensitive topic. You can go to http://www.aasect.org to find a certified sex therapist in your area. Be sure that the person you see is a certified sex therapist with certification through AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists). Also, Barry McCarthy wrote an excellent book called “Rekindling Desire,” which deals with this very issue. Check it out for some things you can do to get the “mojo” perculating in your relationship again. Lastly, while you are implementing all of these ideas, remember to be affectionate with each other. Hold hands, sit together, hug, and all the things that make you feel good. Don’t forget to do some things for you–taking care of yourself in different ways such as hobbies, catching up with friends, taking a class, etc. is important for you to feel good about yourself. This does not have to be the end of your sexual relationship, but it sounds like finding a “new normal” for your intimate expression might be in order. So, put down that bottle and good luck!

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