DrupalWomenQ-#8793

I’m almost 64. My husband is almost 67. We have very little sex. From what I see, my husband has no disfunctions, because he’s always up for oral sex (for him only), but when it comes to making love, it’s vertually non-existant. Is he being selfish? How do I ask him what’s wrong?

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10 Answers

  1. Coach Christine wrote on :

    Good for you for talking to your husband about intimacy and how great this resulted in you making love which I hear truly was a good surprise for you. I could imagine that enjoying some foreplay and feeling that he was making an effort to satisfy you certainly did feel like he was listening to your feelings. I hope this will encourage you to feel more comfortable to continue asking for what you want sexually.

    I also understand you’ve been vague about wanting oral sex and I hear what you really want is to make love. I also understand that vaginal lovemaking with your husband has been rare and quick ending which doesn’t enable you to get very aroused and never leads to you having an orgasm.

    I’d like to clarify what exactly “making love” means to you, how long would you like foreplay to be, how is the best way for you to reach an orgasm so I can help you ask for exactly what you’d like in a way he’ll clearly “hear” it.

    I understand after making love you encouragingly (great word) said to him that ,”you need to have a fun relationship more often so that we could both enjoy it more often and make it last even longer.” I can imagine this was a little hard for you to do and I want to compliment you for saying it. And because I’m a woman I think what you were saying is ‘you liked what happened, you’d like to do this more and you’d like it to last longer.’

    Unfortunately the chances are pretty good that your husband didn’t understand the same thing. What he probably heard was, ‘We aren’t having enough of a fun relationship. You, his wife, didn’t enjoy it enough. And it didn’t last long enough again.’ The missing piece is in “guy” language he didn’t hear what he did right. I understand this isn’t what you meant at all. And I’m happy to tell you you have a chance for a do-over

    Men truly want to make a positive difference in the life of the woman they love. So, what motivates them is to be told clearly when they‘ve made us happy and that we appreciate it. Since you said you are waiting to see what will happen next seem like this would be a true statement for you to make. So, tell him, “I’ve still been thinking about our lovemaking last Sunday. **This is a big win for him because you are still thinking about it*** I keep remembering when you “(fill in the blank with something he did that you really liked) and how it made me feel “(fill in the blank with emotions like hot, sexy, excited, cared about, etc.) ***Now you telling him all the things he did right and how much you liked it**** and I am really looking forward to you doing (fill in the blank) again.” ***You are setting the stage for him to do this again.*** This also appeals to the man’s natural instinct to feel like he has “won” because he will know he made you happy.

    I understand you want more and different then you received on Sunday. When you let me know what you do want I’ll help you ask for that.

    Reply
    • Barbara Hollenbeck wrote on :

      This is great advice. I have been using all the ideas I have been given to aid in getting pleasure out of our intimacy. So far I’m doing loads better, but I still have a ways to go. Becoming more vocal has helped a lot. I’ll let you know how I make out. Thanks again for everything you’ve said. It’s woken me up to all types of new ideas on how to get back on line with our relationship.

      Reply
    • Coach Christine wrote on :

      I’m so happy to hear you’re doing loads better and you are getting pleasure out of intimacy with your husband. And I hear you still have a ways to go. I understand that you’ve found being more vocal has helped a lot, so wonderful to hear. I now you’ll continue to reap huge rewards by figuring out exactly what you want and then asking for it in a positive “guy friendly” way.

      It’s great to hear you’re now thinking of all types of new ideas to get you back on line with your relationship. You’re so welcome for the help.

      I do hope you will keep in touch and please let me know how you’re doing.

      Reply
    • Barbara Hollenbeck wrote on :

      I will keep in touch. Your advice has been interesting and useful. Baby steps. Thanks again.

      Reply
  2. Laura Borud wrote on :

    And yes he is selfish, he HAS to be aware of your dissatisfaction, I hope you’re not pretending for goodness sake.

    Reply
    • Barbara Hollenbeck wrote on :

      I love your answers. Thanks for the insight. I agree with you too.
      After a long talk with him about intimacy last Sunday, we finally had a meaningful ‘relationship’ last night. We both enjoyed some foreplay, which surprised the heck out of me. It was still short and sweet, so to speak, but I’m thinking that my conversation with him on Sunday did make a difference in his trying to satisfy me. After making love last night, I said (encouragingly…is that a word??) that we need to have a fun relationship more often so that we could both enjoy it more often and also make it last even longer. We’ll see what happens next. Thanks for your input.

      Reply
  3. Laura Borud wrote on :

    Another option is he only gets oral sex every other time, explaining to him one for you, one for me. Sucky, but better than your getting now.

    Reply
  4. Laura Borud wrote on :

    Wow, this is tough and easy. Easy cuz you don’t have to give him oral sex. When my boyfriend starts getting lazy ensuring my enjoyment than I don’t go down on him. Your husband sounds like he either doesn’t care if you enjoy sex, is clueless of how to do his part, or doesn’t like to. To which I say, too bad. Something is definitely wrong here. I’m guessing you’ve made your displeasure clear to him and if you haven’t you need to start. It is hard but you can do it. Ask him if he is still interested in sex first off. He may not be. But Christine is right you have to ask him whats up, tell him what you need, and expect a mutually satisfying relationship. Harder than heck I know, boy do I know.

    Reply
  5. Barbara Hollenbeck wrote on :

    I’ve been vague about wanting oral sex. What I really want is to make love, but once he’s getting oral sex, it is over quickly and there’s very little chance for foreplay for me. Once he’s done, any foreplay I’m getting is over.
    BTW, I really appreciated your reply & I have more.
    We’ve been married for 20 yrs, but he had an affair from 2000-2004, then he left for a yr and came back in 05. Sex was good for a while after the affair, again mostly for him, but vaginal lovemaking is rare and quick ending. No time for me to really get aroused & never to the extent of me having an orgasim. I’ve told him we need to work on intimacy & he’s seems all for it, but I’m still waiting. Our last talk about this subject was this past Sunday. (that’s why I’m still waiting. Since he has a cold, nothing is happening at all. But, it’s been weeks since we’ve made love. I’m sure nothing else is going on (no affair), since he’s home on time every night. I just wonder if the affair didn’t change his feelings of intimacy with me for good.

    Reply
  6. Coach Christine wrote on :

    I can tell by the name you signed your post how this situation is making you feel and I completely understand. Wanting to have a mutually satisfying sexual experience with your husband is very normal. And depending upon how long you’ve been married (and how long you haven’t been satisfied) I can imagine you are feeling pretty frustrated.

    I really respect you for writing to me to ask your very important questions. And I’m happy to answer your questions in a general way and would love to ask you a couple of questions so I when I receive your answers I can give you a much more specific answer.

    In answer to your question about whether or not your husband is being selfish I’ll give you a very general answer about how men and women operate very differently in this area. Women mistakenly think they don’t have to ask for what they want because they intuitively feel the needs of others and give whatever they can. And they tend to give even more when they’re in love. And because this is our normal behavior we think men, especially if they love us, will just know what we want and need and will automatically offer it. And we also think that if he asks for something (for instance oral sex) he will automatically know to do the same thing for us.

    Men generally ask for what they want and because this is their normal behavior they think women will ask if they want something. So, you can see the problem; women give and wait for the man to give back; and he’s happy to have her give and figures she’ll ask if she needs something back not realizing that she’s expecting him to give back without being asked.

    And the next normal next step, if this continues, is the woman begins to feel resentment because she’s continued to give more and more without getting anything back. And understandably it certainly sounds like you might be feeling this way.

    So my first question is, “Have you asked him to perform oral sex on you?” If you have please let me know what you said and what he said back.

    If you haven’t you’re truly in the majority because as I said not only do women think they shouldn’t have to ask they also can feel uncomfortable asking for specific sexual attention. This is truly something any woman can overcome and the benefits are enormous. I’d like to assure you I know a variety of ways you can ask him that will get you a very positive response from him.

    In answer to your question about how to ask him what’s wrong I’d like to suggest instead that we thoroughly explore your first question because this might just take care of the second question.

    So, my second question is how soon would you like things to be different?

    Reply
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