I am 56 and my only son is 14. I’ve been a single mom for this entire time, reinventing my career in technology about 2 years ago. As I look forward into the future, all I see is a great emptiness as I imagine what life will be when my son leaves the nest. Advice?
0 Answers
cjbehr wrote on :
Hi DeborahC – I wrote this 2 years ago when my baby left the nest. I hope it helps you as well: http://carlajbehr.hubpages.com/hub/When-Your-Last-Baby-Leaves-Home-The-Truly-Empty-Nest Take good care of you now, cjbehr
mariamartins.p@gmail.com wrote on :
Hi Dear;
You don’t need to wait any longer in life to be happy. Find happiness now in whatever you think it might be. Live large
Kim Barnes wrote on :
Ohhhh, I so relate. This is my son’s first year in college. It’s been sad, lonely, joyous and exciting. Having the time to take care of yourself in many ways will be key. Get a massage, try a zumba class, treat yourself! Lots of women’s groups to check out. Not necessarily join them but check them out and see if it’s a fit. TIME IS ON YOUR SIDE! You get to choose. Volunteering at the places I was curious about helped me get out if the house because something or someone else was counting on me. Finally, your friends and family are the greatest source for a good balance. Congratulations on being a great mom!
Jacqualin Davies wrote on :
Stop dwelling on the leaving. This an opportunity, not a sentence. Finally do some things for yourself that you were never able to do before. I think you’ll find it liberating and you’ll be a more interesting person.
Debra S. wrote on :
I do not know what to tell you other than, when they FINALLY leave home, you have “your life back”. I had a great life, BC. And BM… LOL before children and before marriage. I have hobbies and interests. I had a horse, rode with a club. Had big dogs, did Protection training with a club. Did outings all the time. Did lunch with galpals. Did concert outings with friends… Found other interests over the years even with family. Found out I adored gardening. But who had the TIME to go all out or even weed the garden and put up the harvest when I had kids at home??? Forget the horse club, forget the dog club.. somehow, that had to be put aside because the kids sucked one dry of both energy and money.
Well… now that the kids are FINALLY GONE… I can do WHATEVER I want to. I can finally SLEEP again. Oh that was another thing that was gone when they were all here.
Now, I can actually garden! I can volunteer at a local public garden if I want to, I can volunteer to do my town’s public places flower upkeep.
I can now get another dog and join the training club again! YIPPEEE.
I can do lunch and a movie with my galpals and travel with my sisters. That is if I can still avoid my now grown kids and grandkids enough.
I have been even thinking of NOT doing daycare anymore as I am doing 3 days a week, and going to school, I think I’d adore lab work. Or vet tech… the sky is the limit to me right now and I am excited. I’m 58 but sure do not feel like it. LOL I now have found all the TIME I need and I’m in better shape than I was 10 years ago. I think I’m going to join a Yoga group… AND I am even thinking HEY I CAN probably do a 5K run before I kick the bucket!
Anyway- don’t look at it like losing a kid.. you are gaining your Time back.
And soon enough, you will be kept being asked to babysit babysit.
And making fun excursions to zoos, museums and even Disney World with the grandkids.
Celeste Crago wrote on :
Deborah, I’m facing the same feelings. My son is 16, a junior in high school, and it’s been the two of us for 14 years. I just turned 59, so teetering on the brink of 60, I have felt incredibly emotional about this issue. He’s about to get his license where he doesn’t need me to drive with him anymore, so he’s needing me less and less. And of course, not wanting mom around much at all, retreating to his room. This is the natural evolving for our children. Begin to appreciate the good job you’ve done as a single mother, because I am sure you are seeing your consistent, loving work reflected back in the young man you have tenderly and consciously raised. Whenever you feel the sadness, or anxiety, as you contemplate his graduation day, visualize your own graduation day and congratulate yourself! Start now to find and develop some new interests. Plan a trip and maybe study a language you would need while there. I’m thinking of Italy for my reward for a job well done! In other words, start looking forward to your freedom (as much as your son is looking forward to being on his own). I think I’m going to sleep better, eat better, look better, and have more fun. There are positives to this new phase, so start seeing the possibilities that you would like to create for your new life!
debra scandone wrote on :
First you are smart enough to want to do something about it now, and not wait. Simple things are working for me even though my youngest has not moved out yet – I joined a book club with smart funny women and a few have become close friends, I reconnected with friends from my home town and now we meet for breakfast once a month. I spend time with my dog – long walks on the weekend clear my head of stress and just owning a pet reduces stress and lonliness which has been documented over and over again. I plan ahead. I tend to be social, and when the opportunity to date came along I found a great guy who has moved in with me now. BUt I had been a single parent to 3 boys for over a dozen years I even miss their friends our house was always noisy and busy. Baby steps are okay and the things you like to do don’t have to be earth shattering – a day at a museum etc. also start the “bucket” list now – family and friends (two legged and four) good luck –
spoythress wrote on :
I truly don’t mean to be insensitive about this but it always been so hard for me to understand empty nesters. Isn’t that what we are suppose to be doing preparing our kids to leave and live their own lives. Empty nesters sound so selfish to me. Like victims???!! I am single, 53 years old and have two sons age 22 and 27. I love them and they love me but I looked so forward to them leaving the nest and living their own lives so I could move on to the next phase of my own life. They are now using all the knowledge that I poured into them over the years and doing just fine.. When my youngest son graduated from high school I was absolutely giddy. I immediately could work late on a job I loved without feeling guilty. I could go out with friends with worrying about leaving my child at home. I could even stay out all night!!! I started college again and will soon have a financial planning degree that I always wanted. As I type I think the key to not feeling so empty is to NOT live your child’s life while you have them. why not start dreaming now about what you want to do when he does leave. You can still be a good mother and dream. You should be happy for your child not sad for yourself!
Cheryl Wilson wrote on :
OMG! You and I are so much on the same page on this issue! I too felt joyous on graduation day. Women who live their lives solely for their children end up miserable and making their children miserable. Go to these nursing or assisted living homes and see why children don’t visit their parents. The mothers, in particular, suck the life out of their kids and the kids are so happy to be away from the parent who did that. Our job as mothers is to give our children wings so that they do fly away. It isn’t to smother them with so much attention that they recoil when we’re in the house. When they leave the nest, we should be proud they have the courage we have taught them and it is proof we have done our job. A life outside of your child is the best gift we can give them! It is also a gift to ourselves, as that child will be happy to come home and show us how he is thriving because of our being so good at our job of raising them. The grandchildren (hopefully) will be frequent visitors because our child will remember how he was raised and wants that for his own children. That empty nest becomes very full IF we have done our job correctly! Life doesn’t end when your children leave. It’s an all new beginning and one that can be enjoyed to the hilt!
Beverly Fedorko wrote on :
I understand your perspective and dread over the significant change your life will undergo when your son leaves home for college. Although a very sobering prospect it will be what you make it…it is also emancipating (like when you leave the house for the first time without a diaper bag!) – it is reinventing time for yourself you haven’t had in years – it is learning that you aren’t just a Mom and a career – you are a person who now has time for other things. And for whatever its worth – the phone calls, or should I say texts, etc…will make it like he is there anyway! Enjoy the change and embrace it – if he thinks you are clingy and worried he won’t leave with the positive attitude he needs for success.
carole lehr johnson wrote on :
I am 58 and when my son left for college 5 years ago, I thought I would feel the same way. It was very sad seeing him walk away from me after we had said our final goodbye on the sidewalk near Boston University. Of course, I cried. I cried on the flight back to Louisiana knowing I would see his empty room when I got home. But I prayed a lot, got back to my part time job, hobbies, and ministry involvement. If you don’t have a hobby or interest outside your job, begin one and build it. That way you will be prepared when that day comes. We love our children and want to always be involved in their lives, but they have lives of their own too. I didn’t want to be a clinging parent, so I let him go fulfill his dreams. Five years later, I am very proud of him and what he has achieved. I’m always there for him if he needs me, but I have my own life too. God sees me through the tough times. Enjoy your son while he is with you and think of all the future times together when he becomes an adult. God bless.
SusannL1218 wrote on :
For me the answer has been dogs. I have a chihuahua and a maltese shih tzu to nurture. Although, at 22, my daughter has left the nest, she is still my daughter and best friend. The relationship changes but you reap the rewards of knowing the wonderful human being your child has become.
Cynthia Johnston wrote on :
This is actually a fun question. Throw yourself into teaching your son: teach him the beauty of our country by taking vacations to national parks and exploring everything around! Teach him to appreciate the arts by going to museums, plays, and science centers. Teach him to give back by volunteering for causes you believe in. I volunteered in Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, church, the Sierra Club, the Olympic trials and our neighborhood Green Council. My children still volunteer, are passionate about the environment and can set up a tent in less than a minute! You’ll have a full rich life and gift your son with those same tools.
lovebychoice wrote on :
Deborah this must be very scary and difficult for you. My suggestion would be to first of acknowledge how painful this will be for you and how courageous you have been in being a single mom all these years and how successful you have been that your son will be independent and powerful to start his own life. I would start now will some small steps in developing/introducing some new things into your life. You could start by looking back and remember what did you need to give up being a single mum and what could you now start doing again that you used to enjoy? Good luck! You sound like a wonderful women and I am sure you can make this work!
Karen Canning-Millar wrote on :
Hi Deborah… take comfort in knowing that you are not alone in dreading a kidless house. My brother has desperate case of empty nest syndrome and it breaks my heart. We tried to encourage him to cultivate interests that did not include his children… but he resisted. Now, as the youngest is leaving for college in the fall, he’s a mess and the kids suffer for him. PLEASE spare yourself the misery and your son the grief of worrying about you and follow the words of the good doctor. Go… do… explore… learn… grow… for you (your son will love it)! You’re a modern day hero… a single working mother and you deserve all the happiness and opportunities you’ve provided for your son. Instead of missing him, spend some time to discover what’s missing in your life and then go after it. With the right perspective and some clear direction… life without kids is AWESOME! Happy travels my friend!!
DeborahC wrote on :
Thanks Mrs. Milla for your kinds words. I don’t want my son feeling responsible for my happiness or worrying about my well being. You are right about providing opportunities for myself. I’ve put so much energy (with great love!) into providing him with great things over the years and completely leaving myself out of the picture. I am aware I want to take art courses now, write, travel by myself and so on. It will have to be baby steps, however, as I am juggling two high tech jobs that are very demanding and raising a teen. But I will do it. Thanks again.
Stresslessdiva wrote on :
I agree with Dr. Ginger. There’s no time like the present to get out and start having fun — maybe even dating (is this part of what you’d like in your life?). It will send a great message to your son about what a well-balanced, happy mom/woman is like as well as not set him up to feel responsible for you (I’m not saying you are doing that, but it can happen.). Check out Meet Up — there is a group for everyone (and everything!) on that site. Take some baby steps and ease into a fuller life.
DeborahC wrote on :
HI Stresslessdiva,
Thanks so much for responding to my post. I appreciate the tip about “Meet Ups”…we do have them here and I had totally forgotten about them. It will have to be baby steps as my time is so parceled out between two demanding high tech jobs and raising a teenager. But I will persist, because the last thing I want when my son graduates from high school is to feel lonely, depressed and anxious about an empty future. Thanks again for responding to me.
DrGinger wrote on :
Hi, DeborahC….
It’s time to get out there and “reinvent” your personal and social life. You know all about reinvention, so you’re one step ahead of the game. It’s important to have some resources in place before your son leaves the nest. Often, as mothers we tend to put all of our energy into our children–only to look up years later and wonder who we are, what we like, and what do we do now. This doesn’t mean I’m suggesting that you neglect your child, but the key here is balance. You can even include your son, at times, as you go about finding social events. Think in terms of what your interests are, the kind of people you like to be around, etc. Maybe you can take a class or join a local group of some kind–most communities have hiking, kayaking, yoga, or other types of group activities that may be spiritual or social in nature. It’s so good that you’re thinking about this now! It gives you time to begin to find balance, as your son is getting older and at an age where friends become more important. It will give you both the opportunity to begin separating in a healthy way–loosening up the reins a little. Good luck to you and have fun!
DeborahC wrote on :
Thanks, Dr. Ginger for your expert advice. I have really loved ‘moming’. I love kids in general and can think of doing some volunteer work down the road in the classroom. My reinvented career went from natural medicine to a Master’s in instructional design, technology and online course instruction. I don’t think I’ll have any trouble staying employed in the next decade, but I do need to think of what my life could look like sans the daily responsibilities of taking care of my son. You’ve given me some good food for thought and I’m going to start building a new addition to my life now so that when my son leaves for college in 4 years, I won’t be adrift, depressed and lonely. Thanks again.