DrupalWomenQ-#9016

I went out on a 1st date last night with a very nice man. He was very nice, polite, successful (owns his own business), we had a fun time. Here’s the problem, he’s a nice looking man EXCEPT he has horrible teeth. How do I tell him this is a deal breaker for me? Or do I?

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11 Answers

  1. Ellen Falkenberry wrote on :

    I’ve had the situation recently, as well. I decided to wait…if things develop between us, then I might discuss his teeth. If they are fixable, they will become a nonissue in time. There are lots more important things to me about a man than his teeth, even though I am sensitive to that particular issue.

    Reply
    • Kathrine wrote on :

      Thanks for your input belinda and ellen. I probably shouldn’t write him off just yet. I know he can afford to have them fixed. He’s very wealthy. I just didn’t want to get in the “I’ll change him” mode. In some cases like yours he was open to it. I really don’t know him well enough yet. But it’s true there are more important things to look at. I want to have it all. lol Thanks.

      Reply
  2. Belinda Boyles wrote on :

    I already scrolled down and looked at the other responses to this post, so I know you’ve already ruled him out as a potential Mr. Right. In future however, if you’ve ‘made your list’ of non-negotiables (as we all have, whether it’s internal or external), and he doesn’t make the grade because of something visually ‘fixable’ (he could get dental implants or veneers, perhaps, in your case – or he’s a terrible dresser and his clothes need help, etc) I would always suggest trying a second and even a third date before making a choice about whether or not he’s Longterm Material for you.
    Teeth ARE usually fixable, and YES, it’s expensive – but many men are ‘brain dead’ to the physical characteristics women find attractive, especially if they’ve been out of the Dating Scene for a long time. My guy had AWFUL clothes, but I overlooked it and once we were in a relationship, I changed them all. He knew instinctively he needed help but didn’t know how or where to get it. Now all my girlfriends constantly tell me how ‘cute’ he is, and all I ever did was dress him properly!
    Horrible teeth are on my ‘list’ of non-negotiables as well, so don’t feel you are alone in this. For me, it’s a kissing thing. And if I can’t kiss them, there’s not going to be anything physical. But know that most of the time, these things can be fixed in a loving ongoing relationship.
    Best of luck to you!

    Reply
  3. Stacycakes wrote on :

    That’s a tough call are his teeth crooked, or stained from coffee or cigarettes? Either way if you don’t smoke and he does that could be a deal breaker. Go on another date and concentrate on his personality not so much his teeth. If your relationship continues to progress but the teeth continue to bother you, strike up a non-threatening conversation about a dentist you like. Who knows he may be the type of guy that wears fake ugly teeth just to see if a woman truly enjoys his company. Good luck

    Reply
    • Kathrine wrote on :

      lol Stacy, fake teeth! His teeth are VERY cooked and looked very stained. He doesn’t smoke. I only got a brief glimpse of them since I think he’s used to smiling and talking without seeing them too much. To be honest once I did get a glimpse of them I stopped trying to notice. I should probably give him another chance. I just don’t want to waste my time. I’m looking for my late date, and I’m not sure where he’s coming from yet. I know he’s only been divorced a little over a year after a 15 year marriage. His second. First one was 20 years. Well, we’ll see……

      Reply
    • Kathrine wrote on :

      I meant I’m looking for my LAST date.

      Reply
    • Stacycakes wrote on :

      Good luck! Mr. right will come probably when you least expect it. A fine looking man, great teeth, great sense of humor, self-sufficient, and kind. They are out there and worth waiting for.

      Reply
  4. Coach Christine wrote on :

    Hello Katherine,

    Thank you for asking such a great question. I agree your deal breakers (whether they are mental, emotional, physical or spiritual) are certainly important to keep in mind when dating. And I can definitley understand how feeling he has “horrible teeth” could definitely be a turn off (especially when it comes to considering kissing someone). I’m wondering if “horrible” means; yellow, crooked, missing, chipped, etc. and if this causes him to have bad breath.

    Here are a few points to consider.
    1. Often as we get to know someone better they exhibit so many of our “deal makers” that some of our “deal breakers” become less important.

    Example – I’ve had 2 clients who experienced this. One said she would never date a smoker and when she met Ron (and he smoked) he had so many of the qualities that were important to her she continued dating him (he always smoked outside and away from her) and they are now married. After 10 years he decided it was so inconvenient to regularlly move away from her to smoke he quit. A second client dated a man whose teeth were yellow and very crooked (she has beautiful teeth like yours and had only dated men with beautiful teeth too) and he also had so many of her important “deal makers” they also ended up getting married.

    2. I’m sharing these two stories with you to suggest you might want to revisit how strong your aversion is to ‘horrible teeth,’ why you have your aversion and consider if he has enough positive qualities could they overshadow your aversion.

    3. As far as telling him, if you know this truly is something you can’t live with then you will need to tell him so you can both begin dating people who are more of a match for each of you. To have this conversation you need to take all of the responsability on yourself for not dating him. At least until today he’s teeth are not a high concern for him. Either he can’t do anything about them (medical or financial reasons) or spending time and money on his teeth has not been a priority.

    A suggested conversation is; “I’ve truly enjoyed meeting you (name)and I want you to know how much I admire your integrity and ambition in regard to your business how wonderfully you have treated me. I also need to tell you I know I can’t ever be physically attracted to someone who doesn’t have good teeth.” I don’t recommend saying this hoping he’ll change his thoughts about his teeth. I recommend you say this so you’re being completely honest to both of you about your true feelings.

    I hope this is helpful for this date and your future dates with him and/or with others.

    All the best,

    Christine

    Reply
    • Kathrine wrote on :

      Thanks ladies for your views. The teeth are probably not going to be the problem anymore, since I spoke with him last night. I don’t think we’re compatible. He doesn’t get my sense of humor for one thing. Too much work. So I’m not going to say anything about his teeth. He’s 60 years old, if he hasn’t fixed them by now who am I to say anything right? lol Too bad though he’d really have it all if he fixed them. Thanks again!

      Reply
  5. Walker wrote on :

    Kathrine,
    It may be that you find his personality is such that the teeth become a non-issue. I’d suggest you try another date and see if you feel differently. Particularly given that you had such fun on the first date (which is fabulous, by the way!)
    If you know it’s problematic then find a nice way to say that you don’t feel he’s a good fit and leave it at that.
    I have discussed dealbreakers and other dating issues, both from personal experience, and advice on my blog, The Diva of Dating. Love to have to come visit.
    Walker, aka The Diva of Dating

    Reply
  6. DrGinger wrote on :

    Hi, Kathrine,
    I don’t think it’s necessary after a first date to bring up the idea of what are deal breakers and what isn’t. We all have an idea of what it is we can live with in our relationships and what we can’t. I might suggest to say that he is a great guy, but just not a love match for you. I don’t necessarily think it’s important to get into details just after a first date–if you had been dating for months, that would be a different story. First dates are meant to be an opportunity to meet and decide if there is an attraction or not. It seems that there were some real positive aspects to this man, so be sure that the issue with the teeth is something you truly cannot live with–and by the way, if you truly can’t, good for you for knowing what you want and what is not going to work for you.

    Reply
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