I am a full time caregiver for my handicapped son, whom I love dearly, but am feeling extremely guilty because I am feeling very resentful towards him and the situation I am living in. I gave up my career for my family and feel it is my “time” now. Any suggestions?
0 Answers
Lori Boin wrote on :
I agree with cjgolden. First, you are to be commended for your dedication. Not every parent would do it. Having cared for my Mother after a massive stroke, I will share what I learned. When the “resentment” type feelings occur, recognize them as a great sign we do care about ourselves. This takes nothing away from our loved ones. Not caring for me, did. I hired a caregiver to give me a break, assist when Mom needed it, and it jump started me.
What does your insurance offer? The state? I’m guessing he is on full disability and may have resources available that perhaps you never knew about. You are your son’s advocate. You are also your own! No shame. No guilt. No regrets.
Denise A Wind wrote on :
Hi Kathy,
What you are feeling is completely normal!! It is “your time” but it will take a bit of creative restructuring to carve out your time in your family.
You may want to consdier respit care for yourself in your area. Treat yourself to a “me” day often using respit services and or friends or family. Join support groups to share your emotions in a safe place and be understood by others in similar situations.
I have added tips from the National Family Caregiver’s Association below. You may want to check out their website for further assistance.
http://www.helpguide.org/elder/caring_for_caregivers.htm
Hope this helps. Sending you warm, caring thoughts!
Denise
Source: National Family Caregiver’s Association
10 Tips for Family Caregivers
Caregiving is a job and respite is your earned right. Reward yourself with respite breaks often.
Watch out for signs of depression, and donât delay in getting professional help when you need it.
When people offer to help, accept the offer and suggest specific things that they can do.
Educate yourself about your loved oneâs condition and how to communicate effectively with doctors.
Thereâs a difference between caring and doing. Be open to technologies and ideas that promote your loved oneâs independence.
Trust your instincts. Most of the time theyâll lead you in the right direction.
Caregivers often do a lot of lifting, pushing, and pulling. Be good to your back.
Grieve for your losses, and then allow yourself to dream new dreams.
Seek support from other caregivers. There is great strength in knowing you are not alone.
Stand up for your rights as a caregiver and a citizen.
cjgolden wrote on :
Feeling that you gave up your career; gave up your “time” for your family is never going to yield a positive attitude towards those for whom you have sacrificed your life. Of course you love your son, but even the most loving mother/caretaker needs to love herself first. If your needs are not being met you will certainly begin to feel resentful.
If there is someone who can help you take care of your son and relieve you for some time of each day or each week you will be much better off. Make sure there is “you” time in your life and then the time you give to your son will become more enjoyable for both of you.
As mothers we are thrust into the role of caretakers – to whatever degree needed. And as women we are all too often taught to put others ahead of ourselves.
Not a good recipe for a happy and fulfilled life for anyone involved.
My life philosophy combines the acceptance of the ancient Chinese philosophy of Tao – challenges appear along our paths and we need to accept them; the only option being fighting them and that never leads to anything positive or helpful.
Once that challenge is accepted: i.e. the need to take care of your son, you need to recognize that there are more ways to do this than simply giving up everything else in your life.
Who else can help? How much help does he actually need – are there time you are with him that he could be alone? Are there skills you can help him learn to do himself so he can become a bit more independent?
Without specific knowledge of your situation I cannot give you specific suggestions except to request that, for your emotional health and for your son’s sake, please see where you can fit more “me” time into your life.
And know that you are invited to keep this conversation open with me.
CJ